If your birthday is this week:  Your roommate gets you a sick amount of fireworks for your birthday, but sits them too close to your birthday cake.  Still, everyone in the burn ward wishes you a happy one.

Aries:  You will stand and watch a parade while wondering, “What the fuck am I doing?”

Taurus:  You’ll check again, but Game of Thrones isn’t on, just Vince Vaughn.

Gemini:  You’ll come to the realization that if your air conditioning stopped, you’d die.

Lemini:  You’ll run over the unexploded fireworks with your lawnmower and blow it up in a colorful display.

Cancer:  You’ll miss something super important playing your fucking iPad game again.

Leo:  You’ll lose badly in a virtual casino game you downloaded and then get threats from the virtual Mafia running it if you don’t come up with the virtual cash.

Virgo:  Your old grammar school bully shows up to your house and demands that you do his taxes, mow his lawn and take his wife out to dinner.

Libra:  You’ll wake up on some pool noodles in the middle of a field several dozen miles from the July 4th barbecue you attended with no shoes.

Scorpio:  You’ll be asked to leave the supermarket after sexually harassing the produce.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, your racist jokes aren’t “edgy”, so doing a five minute set in front of your family is a really bad idea.

Capricorn:  You’ll realize your phone was off the hook the entire time and you wasted Comcast’s time trying to fix the problem, but you won’t feel bad about it.

Aquarius:  The only fireworks you’ll experience is out of your ass after entering a ghost pepper eating contest.

Pisces:  You’ll save 40% off of all merchandise at Geek4Geek!