If your birthday is this week:  The villagers chase you with pitchforks and torches again, but this week they bring cake.

Aries:  You catch your iPhone, iPad and iWatch colluding with your iMac to take over your apartment.

Taurus:  Kanye West takes your parking space and offers to sing one of his songs to make up for you.  You’ll decline.

Gemini:  You will get drunk enough to eat all your roommates postage stamps.

Lemini:  Your Call of Duty avatar’s PTSD causes him to just sit on the couch and huff paint whenever you play a game.

Cancer:  After you hit a deer with your car, a second deer with 5 o’clock shadow and a cigarette  in his mouth will hand you an envelope full of money.

Leo:  The fridge gremlins will visit you tonight and loosen all your condiment lids so they have a 1/4″ of water on top of your mustards and ketchups.

Virgo:  The stars say, you’ll hurt your wrist swiping on Tinder you judgmental a-hole.

Libra:  You’ll eat some stinky cheese, which you’ll later find out was actually hardened mayo.

Scorpio:  You’ll flash the pope.

Sagittarius:  You’ll be asked by your mugger to fill out a comment card.

Capricorn:  This week, take some time to reconnect with family.  The basement they’re locked in is probably out of food by now.

Aquarius:  You’ll drink a surprising amount of hand sanitizer this week.

Pisces:  You’ll walk around Lowe’s for 40 minutes looking around and forget what you came into buy.