If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party foul will involve a piñata, a shotgun and one candy-laden trip to the hospital.

Aries:  The good news, your dog is trained and didn’t poop on the floor.  The bad news is, you do when you’re drunk.

Taurus:  Your government job modernizes your office and you finally get a land line.

Gemini:  If you live in California, you’ll have a nice stroll on the beach.  If you live in Boston, you’ll spend the day digging your car out of a hole for no reason.

Lemini:   The stars say, your patience or your patients shall be tested today.  Since you’re a doctor and the stars can’t spell, we’re not sure.

Cancer:  You will run into Eddie Murphy at a bus stop.  He’ll ask for the Sports Section of your newspaper and will still refuse to do comedy.

Leo:  You’ll watch Netflix, eat salty snacks and get drunk.  Nice.

Virgo:  Your planets align and you finally find that special fuck buddy you’ve been looking for!

Libra:  You will find the frozen corpses of six mailmen where the snow bank used to be.  Guess you owe Amazon an apology.

Scorpio:  Goodwill refuses to take your leftover clothes because they don’t want the homeless to look cheap.

Sagittarius:  You’ll be sitting on the toilet when you’re raptured and you’ll shit all the way to Heaven.

Capricorn:  Eat your popsicle slowly, mackerel flavor is always full of bones.

Aquarius:  Against the advice of your friends, you’ll say “Gary Busey” three times in the mirror, causing him to show up and eat all the Doritos.

Pisces:  You’ll hear this song in Trader Joe’s and play on your computer all day long.