If your birthday is this week:  The bakery that puts your face on your birthday cake air brushes your imperfections away with buttercream, making you look like a store mannequin.

Aries:  A man spreading the Gospel of Jesus will burst into flames on your doorstep.

Taurus:  Batman finds you a great parking spot at the mall and admits it’s been a slow day for crime.

Gemini:  The stars say, you should start eating right.  Your Communist chef doesn’t wash his hands.

Lemini:  This week, get ready for visitors because the cops finally have enough evidence on you.

Cancer:  Your old clothes will be fashionable to wear again all next week and then abruptly go back to being ugly.

Leo:  Your porn download from 1994 is now 89% finished.

Virgo:  You will be struck violently by a delicious bagel on morning this week, keep your mouth open.

Libra:  You will wake up on a park bench and find yourself graffitied by Banksy.

Scorpio:  Your line of pubic hair styling gels becomes popular with porn stars.

Sagittarius:  Jim Carrey will insist on personally entertaining you while you wait in line at the grocery.

Capricorn:  Your bake sale goes amazingly well, but only because you mixed up your flour and cocaine containers again.

Aquarius:  Turns out, your Internet date is just a virus with a crush on your face symmetry.

Pisces:  Your new puppy will pee on everything.