I’m back, I’m cheap and I’m angry.  Why review movies when you can bash them for free without wasting your time?  This is why I have  Netflix account.  This is why I save money.  And this is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.

Taken 3:  You won’t be “takin” my money!

Mortdecai:  AKA:  Johnny Depp needs another island.  Man, c’mon.  Dark Shadows is still fresh in my brain and I’m still angry about it and I saw it on Netflix!

Strange Magic:  It’s for the whole family?  Pass.

Cake:  Not about the band.  Apparently, Jennifer Aniston wants an Oscar.  No way.

Project Almanac:  Normally, I can’t resist a good time travel movie, but this one looks like it gives away most of its secrets in the trailer.  Maybe they should call it “Bill and Ted’s Final Destination.”

Jupiter Ascending:  My gut feeling is that this is an expensive train wreck.  I’m guessing it would’ve made a better MIB script.

Seventh Son:  Seriously?  This is the best you can give Jeff Bridges?  Jesus Christ, Hollywood.  After your Tron sequel, which was painful for me to watch, you can’t put together that you should dump money on the Cohen brothers until they make a sequel to The Big Lebowski?  My God, that would be like PRINTING MONEY!

Fifty Shades of—  No!

Hot Tub Time Machine 2:  Very torn by this movie.  Loved the first one, despite a very underused Chevy Chase.  And no John Cusack this time?  I think I can wait for the rental.

The DUFF:  Stop making movies about the “ugly friend” and casting beautiful people in the role!  Hollywood ugly is still pretty hot!  You can’t take a girl who is practically a model and ugly her down enough!

Okay.  I’m done.  I have to go back and try and find the Venture Brothers Special I just missed.