If your birthday is this week:  You will be showered by gifts from your wonderful husband or showered, either one.

Aries:  Prepare yourself for an island getaway because you don’t have a choice and Guantanamo is technically on an island.

Taurus:  The stars say, time traveling to read your horoscope in the future defeats the point.

Gemini:  You will be offered free scones from this guy.

Lemini:  You find out that your travel agent isn’t trying to kill you, she just likes the Ferris Wheel in Liberia.

Cancer:  Your fly is down.

Leo:  You’re too early for ice skating and it takes you five minutes to swim back to shore in skates and winter clothes.

Virgo:  Your mailman will bring you all that awesome stuff you ordered from Amazon…for a price.

Libra:  Captain America’s shield will crash through your window and you’ll here him yell, “Lil’ help!”

Scorpio:  This week, you’ll meet a talking bear and he’ll tell you that you really need to class up your wardrobe.

Sagittarius:  Stop playing Clash of Clans, you have shit to do.

Capricorn:  Your neighbors get together and tear down your Christmas decoration.  Then they brand you on the ass with the words, “Too Early!”

Aquarius:  Your exterminator insists on holding funerals for each bug he kills.

Pisces:  You will be exhausted from preparing for your wife’s birthday week, which lasts two and a half months.