If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party will be at the end of a scavenger hunt so at least your friends can have a good time before you finally figure out those clues.

Aries:  You’re attempt at bird calls attracts a record amount of buffalo.

Taurus:  You will marry the next girl you meet and bond with over a lap dance.

Gemini:  Someone will finally explain to you the difference between ISIS in the news and ISIS on Archer.

Lemini:  This week, your parents will disown you, but they assure you it’s not you, it’s them.

Cancer:  You will wisely delete naked Kim Kardashian pics and get back on the net to find better looking naked chicks.

Leo:  The ghost of Joan Rivers will say your vest and pants combo is “Bleagh!”

Virgo:  Your Jackass stunt goes horribly wrong and you end up looking quite intelligent and smart.

Libra:  You will realize that your Facebook Friends only like you because you live four states away.

Scorpio:  The prison asks you to stop making freelance conjucal and let the prisoners get caught up on their sleep.

Sagittarius:  It’s just another motherfuckin’ week in your motherfuckin’ world!

Capricorn:  You will discover a new taste somewhere between cranberry vodka shots and vomit.

Aquarius:  The stars say, it’s time to get in shape, in your case, a big, round circle.

Pisces:  You will discover that it’s almost impossible to hide in a church in a Batman costume if you show up for the Sunday service.