If your birthday is this week:  You get the impression your friends really didn’t put effort into your birthday cake because it reads, “Just write the usual shit on it.”

Aries:  The ghost of the fat Elvis will appear in your apartment and eat all your ice cream and tater tots.

Taurus:  You will be the first person to sample a new ice cream flavor called “Kitchen Floor”.

Gemini:  You will be struck in the Adam’s Apple by a frisbee just as your current crush asks you to have sex.  Make sure you have a pen and notepad handy.

Lemini:  The stars say, take your time.  You don’t want that blood clot to move around any more than it has to.

Cancer:  Some will take all your pens again.

Leo:  You will find a gem in a tree trunk and realize you’ve been playing Clash of Clans for the last 16 hours.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll eat an entire container of mustard because you’re too lazy to go the store and restock the fridge.

Libra:  Your lazy Virgo roommate finally gets rid of that old mustard you wanted him to throw out.

Scorpio:  You will accidentally discover a new martial art while having sex with a Karate instructor.

Sagittarius:  In a drunken haze, you’ll punch a tree, which you will have mistaken for a nun.

Capricorn:  The guys in your office will fill your car with live penguins, but the jokes on them, you think penguins are delicious.

Aquarius:  The tests prove you’re not the father, but since you’re also not the boyfriend, you will get punched at the doctor’s office.

Pisces:  You have to see a man about a horse, but it turns out just to be that centaur that keeps bugging you.