If your birthday is this week:  A group of puppets will throw you a surprise party.  Unfortunately, their puppeteers leave before you unwrap gifts.

Aries:  The stars say, change your underwear.  It’s skid city down there.

Taurus:  You will receive wise counsel from the next churro vendor you meet.

Gemini:  Your homemade salsa does not go over well.  Maybe next time, don’t use your lawnmower and lawn mower bag to dice the tomatoes.

Lemini:  This week, your mechanic gives you an estimate.  He says, you’ll probably die alone.

Cancer:  Your roommate has sex inside the fridge again.  Get your air conditioner fixed.

Leo:  Your movie theater will attempt to charge you an extra two dollar “seat fee”.

Virgo:  You will get carded at the toy store.

Libra:  Your test drive will turn into a road trip and eventually a police man hunt.

Scorpio:  You will get your usual booth at the dildo convention.

Sagittarius:  Installing a slip and slide in your driveway causes your mailman to squeal “Wheeeeee!” every time he delivers your mail.

Capricorn:  Lock your windows, the racoons are regrouping.

Aquarius:   You will see hobos making sweet love on a public beach.

Pisces:  You finally put the snow shovel away.