If your birthday is this week:  For the umpteenth time, those fireworks weren’t to celebrate your birth.

Aries:  You’ll drop your cellphone through the cracks of a hot BBQ grill, missing your call and ruining the burgers.

Taurus:  Half way through a call with an Aries, you’ll hear a weird sizzle, pop and then the line goes dead.

Gemini:  Your allergies will be so bad, you’ll be forced to blow your nose in a paper bag.

Lemini:  If you don’t look under your bed, that serial killer will probably leave on his own.

Cancer:  The stars say, order peanut butter and jelly because it’s the only thing the waiter won’t spit in.

Leo:  Hermit crabs will steal your credit cards and charge a great deal of chum.

Virgo:  This week, be careful raking because there are still plenty of unexploded fireworks on your lawn.

Libra:  Your therapist will finally admit that you’re depressing her.

Scorpio:  You’ll find out that “Touch here” on the parking meter kiosk is referring to the kiosk and not you.

Sagittarius:  America’s Got Talent calls and tells you, you don’t.

Capricorn:  Buy a lottery ticket today.  It won’t win, but it’ll make the mugger feel that much worse for you when he opens your wallet later.

Aquarius:  Your paperboy has been reading your mail and resealing it.

Pisces:  Eating your weight in pudding turns out not to be as much fun as you thought it would be.