If your birthday is this week:  You will be swindled by a very clever burglar who yells “Surprise!” when you discover him in your apartment on your birthday.  By the time you realized that he’s just regifted you your own laptop, he’ll be gone.

Aries:  You will write a very nasty comment on YouTube, but it will be undercut by your horrible spelling.

Taurus:  You will run over something while Tweeting and driving.  Fortunately, you finish the tweet and everyone retweets it.

Gemini:  Someone will leave a baby on your doorstep with a note explaining that he’s from another planet and has powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men.  That gets you a much better price when sell him for beer.

Lemini:  You will discover your foster parent sold you for beer.

Cancer:  You cable provider will send you a letter explaining that every Monday, they’ll be kicking you in the nuts if you want to continue to have uninterrupted service.  You will reluctantly agree, as your only other choice is Comcast.

Leo:  A cigar store Indian will come to life and decide to be your friend.  He watches television non-stop and eats all your corn chips.

Virgo:  You will attend a butt bongo fiesta.

Libra:  The stars say, it’s time to grow up.  No one attends trade shows in footy pajamas.

Scorpio:  You will be offered a deal to become a spokesperson for sex lube, but turn it down when you find out it’s not your favorite brand.

Sagittarius:  You will eat a shit-ton of egg rolls this week.

Capricorn:  You will be twerked against your will.

Aquarius:  Your mailbox collapses under the weight after accidentally receiving all of Congress’s hate mail.

Pisces:  WTF?  You’re reading this instead of playing Grand Theft Auto 5?  What’s wrong with you?