If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, a Wal Mart cake is not an indication that your parents don’t love you.  They never loved you.

Aries:  Error 404, fortune not found.

Taurus:  Your boss will catch you getting high in the freezer in the back of Wendy’s.  The worst part is, you don’t work at Wendy’s.

Gemini:  You will get out of a parking ticket by successfully pleading insanity.

Lemini:  Your attempt at creating a defense contractor company as a tax shelter is a complete failure and it nets $4.6 billion dollars in government contracts.

Cancer:  You will discover that making sweet love to your Xbox voids the warranty.

Leo:  You will be haunted by the ghosts of roommates past, who urge you to do the dishes more than once a month.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll discover that you should really tranquilize pitbulls before you attempt to tag them for study.

Libra:  Your frat will hold a practice kegger, which goes completely wrong leaving everyone sober and not at all embarrassed by their behavior.

Scorpio:  You will spot yourself in the crowd scene of a French porno.

Sagittarius:  You will punch a groundhog, who will later successfully sue you for all the tubers in your fridge.

Capricorn:  You’ll learn that diving for a Frisbee is dangerous when you’re playing catch on top of a skyscraper.

Aquarius:  You assassin skills will improve, but you’re still a dumbass when it comes to balancing your checkbook.

Pisces:  You’ll do a lot of writing this week, most just the letter “J”.