translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Seeking Sandwich Solution,

Señor Cactus,

A girl I share my house with ate my sandwich.  Not only was the sandwich marked as mine, she did not pay for rent this month.  She’s here a few weeks early because school just started.  Should I let this go or should I draw the line now so that I don’t get walked on for the rest of the year?  Also, what is an appropriate response being that I’m a guy and I don’t want to come off as a macho bully.



Devin, 25, KSU

Dear Line Drawer,

Cactus say, you must walk a fine line.  Ya can’t be a creep, but a man’s sandwich is sacred.  There’s only one thing to do:  Use her shampoo.  A woman’s shampoo is equal to a man’s sandwich.  Use it everywhere, not just on da head hair.

Breaking in Boston,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate is absolutely obsessed with Breaking Bad.  I think he probably masturbates to it when I’m not in the room.  Is the show that good?



Sammy Q at BU

Dear Bitch,

Cactus say, why aren’t you masturbating to Breaking Bad?  That show so good, it make his prickly dick hard.

Evil Employee,

Great Señor Cactus,

My boss is a douche, but I need my job at the pizza parlor.  What kind of prank would be the best kind to pull on him without getting fired?



Evil Employee, Gainsville, FL

Dear Soon-to-be-Unemployed,

Señor Cactus say, prepare a pizza with roaches in it.  Cut the pizza, throw out two slices and rip out some bites of a slice.  Then go into your boss’s office and say a customer just returned the pizza.  Then sit back and watch him freak da fuck out.

Exposed in Arlington,

O Señor Cactus,

My girlfriend, who is no prude, borrowed my laptop and I forgot to clear my cache.  Now she’s answering embarrassing questions about the kind of porn I watch.  What should I do?



Alex, Marymount U, 24

Dear Porn Deviant,

Cactus say, if she’s asking questions, then you probably watch some fucked up shit.  There’s only one thing to do.  Level da playing field.  Next time she leave her laptop or iPad unguarded, download some disgusting porn.  Something involving goats or Chris Brown.

If you have a questions for Señor Cactus, email here.