If your birthday is this week:  Your Wal-Mart themed birthday party is depressing, but incredibly cost-effective.

Aries:  The stars say, keep your racist grandmother away from P.A. systems this week.

Taurus:  Your Crackerjack prize will be a solid gold ring on a severed finger, only one of which you will report to the authorities.

Gemini:  A group of Vikings will loot your front lawn and take off with your bird bath.

Lemini:  Your baked Ziti will cause your fiance to leave you.

Cancer:  This week, watch out for co-workers’ suggestions because punching your boss in the nuts is funny, but ultimately bad for your career.

Leo:  Your girlfriend will dump you at the ice cream parlor, saving you a trip.

Virgo:  Oprah will stop by to use your bathroom.  She doesn’t flush.

Libra:  Your lawyer will advise you to plead guilty, but only because she actually committed the crime.

Scorpio:  Your pool party ends as it always does, with your pool cleaner running out of that stuff that gets semen out of your filter.

Sagittarius:  Your album will drop on Wednesday, right into a trashcan.

Capricorn:  You will discover that you are the “Before” in a commercial for handsome cream.

Aquarius:  The Ghost of Horoscope past will show you a much more accurate horoscope from almost three years ago.

Pisces:  You watch A Game of Thrones and it will be awesome again.