If your birthday is this week: The stars say rejoice! You will finally beat a long time rival! But, say the stars, make sure you wipe your fingerprints off the bat.

Aries: Your history exam does not go as planned. Next time, maybe you’ll remember not to hide your shrooms in your trail mix.

Taurus: Don’t worry about using protection with that chick you’ve been dating. Her boyfriend already knocked her up.

Gemini: Bad news. There is no such thing as “Hoagie Fest”, so that float you’ve been building out of lunchmeat has been a complete waste of time.

Lemini: Steve Martin will fit you for shoes. You’ll ask him to do his “Happy Feet” bit, but he’ll just bow and shake his head “No” very sadly.

Cancer: A street gang made up of hipsters will corner you in a dark alley and make you listen to their ipod. Their music will suck.

Leo: The prank you pull on your roommate will be hilarious. Maybe you’ll get to pull the same prank on your cellmate after you’re caught.

Virgo: Your porn site idea is a flop. No one wants to see human genitalia photoshopped onto action figures.

Libra: You’ll run back to the dorm to catch this week’s episode of Two and a Half Men, but trip, fall down some stairs, drop your container of wings and crack a femur. Sadly, it is a rerun this week. Buy a fucking Tivo already.

Scorpio: The stars say you’ll attend a wedding this week and get laid. Unfortunately, after six hours at the open bar, it will be with the grandmother of the bride.

Sagittarius: Turns out your high school Spanish teacher was incompetent. You get robbed by some Latino gang members and when you try to thank them for not shooting you, they suddenly beat the shit out of you.

Capricorn: You run out of Mac and Cheese this week, but other than that, you’re cool.

Aquarius: You find a human arm underneath your car. Maybe you shouldn’t ignore bumps in the road when you’re driving drunk.

Pisces: Your agent calls. Unfortunately, it’s to borrow $300.