Your Fratoscope: November 18, 2012on November 18, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You’ll get what you want for you birthday, although you’ll be a tad uncomfortable accepting that much porn from grandma.
Aries: The stars say, last week’s buttery popcorn fart will start to offend. It’ll be time to change those pants.
Taurus: You Intel Pentium chip will commit suicide rather than update your terrible blog.
Gemini: The ghost of your dead dog will come to you in a dream and explain the reason he shit everywhere is because he knew you were responsible for removing his balls.
Lemini: You will finally track down that douchebag who trash talked you on Xbox Live and run him over with a God damned golf cart as promised. Now onto the other 9,984 players that called you a little bitch.
Cancer: You will receive an update from your insurance company explaining that you still have to pay them, but they will no longer honor any claims.
Leo: Attempting to text the guy ahead of you that he should speed up, turns out to be a bad idea. Cops hate getting texts.
Virgo: Your Amish cousin will visit and you’ll be forced to raise a barn just to do something that he likes to do.
Libra: Your roommate will get so high, he’ll think hiding his weed in your bong is a good idea.
Scorpio: You will be anally probed by aliens. Rodrigez and Sanchez to be exact.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll notice the rally for Romney will be even more lightly attended.
Capricorn: Your attempt to fatten up your turkey backfires when he gets bored enough to try cocaine.
Aquarius: Your housemates demand that you rake the leaves, but you will insist if you just shut the window, the leaves wouldn’t get inside in the first place.
Pisces: It’s time to get exercise other than running from the cops.