If your birthday is this week:  You’ll get what you want for you birthday, although you’ll be a tad uncomfortable accepting that much porn from grandma.

Aries:  The stars say, last week’s buttery popcorn fart will start to offend.  It’ll be time to change those pants.

Taurus:  You Intel Pentium chip will commit suicide rather than update your terrible blog.

Gemini:  The ghost of your dead dog will come to you in a dream and explain the reason he shit everywhere is because he knew you were responsible for removing his balls.

Lemini:  You will finally track down that douchebag who trash talked you on Xbox Live and run him over with a God damned golf cart as promised.  Now onto the other 9,984 players that called you a little bitch.

Cancer:  You will receive an update from your insurance company explaining that you still have to pay them, but they will no longer honor any claims.

Leo:  Attempting to text the guy ahead of you that he should speed up, turns out to be a bad idea.  Cops hate getting texts.

Virgo:  Your Amish cousin will visit and you’ll be forced to raise a barn just to do something that he likes to do.

Libra:  Your roommate will get so high, he’ll think hiding his weed in your bong is a good idea.

Scorpio:  You will be anally probed by aliens.  Rodrigez and Sanchez to be exact.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll notice the rally for Romney will be even more lightly attended.

Capricorn:  Your attempt to fatten up your turkey backfires when he gets bored enough to try cocaine.

Aquarius:  Your housemates demand that you rake the leaves, but you will insist if you just shut the window, the leaves wouldn’t get inside in the first place.

Pisces:  It’s time to get exercise other than running from the cops.