If your birthday is this week:  You will discover that you cannot train a seeing eye dog to spot just a C-cup or above.

Aries:  Your delusional dog will climb atop his dog house and pretend that he’s flying an airplane.  Time to put him down.

Taurus:  You’re not part of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force just because you deep fried your hand once.

Gemini:  Drilling into your drywall this week will cause it to bleed.  On the upside, you find the previous owner of your house.

Lemini:  Ben Franklin will appear to you in a time machine he built and ask you to purchase him some future porn.

Cancer:  After being bitten by a radioactive prostitute, you will gain the power to stay on your knees indefinitely.

Leo:  This week, you’ll live your life-long dream of taking a dump in the White House, but maybe next time, wait for a bathroom.

Virgo:  The Jehovah’s Witnesses will stop by your house and urge you to become a Catholic.

Libra:  Your deep fried turkey sets fire to your garage.  Next time kill it before your try and dunk it in the hot oil.

Scorpio:  Your dildo designer resigns due to work exhaustion.

Sagittarius:  The star say, go ahead and take that candy bar.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Capricorn:  You’ll watch another episode of the Walking Dead, but still, no zombie clowns.

Aquarius:  Turns out, the tent city you’ve been living in for your Occupy Wall Street protest is just a camp ground.

Pisces:  You will have some delicious cookies and that girl will get a clear message from your Mafia buddies.