Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:   Good news.  The space debris will not hit you this week, but you will be suffering from Space Madness.

Aries:  You discover that the pushy nun you met, was a dominatrix.  That’s probably why she used you as an ottoman for an hour.

Taurus:  The stars say, your next wrestling match will turn into a sensual adventure.

Gemini:  You will wake up with the words, “This is mine!” written on your ass in lipstick.

Lemini:  This week, you’ll notice the pork shoulder you’re eating has a tattoo on it.

Cancer:  You will open your freezer and three penguins in camo gear will jump out yelling, “Go-go-go!  No man left behind!”  They will be carrying a bag of those frozen wings you like.

Leo:  You will get punched by Justin Beiber.  It won’t hurt and even you won’t be able to sue him for assault with a straight face.

Virgo:  Your boss will demand your password to Facebook and that porn site you like.

Libra:  You will walk in your cat masturbating to America’s Cutest Dog.  Even he’s not a cat person apparently.

Scorpio:   You will cut yourself shaving.  Next time, be more careful around your genitals.

Sagittarius:  You’ll get pulled over for speeding, but the cop lets you go.  Not because you’re good at getting out of a ticket, but mostly because the cop doesn’t want to hear you explain why you have a full blown erection.

Capricorn:   A homeless person will insult your wardrobe choices.  The people on the street in the immediate vicinity will agree.

Aquarius:  You will not only find out that your Congressman is corrupt, he’s also the one that’s been stealing your newspaper.

Pisces:  Your new webcomic will delight fatties like yourself because it’s about food.