If your birthday is this week:   Good news.  The space debris will not hit you this week, but you will be suffering from Space Madness.

Aries:  You discover that the pushy nun you met, was a dominatrix.  That’s probably why she used you as an ottoman for an hour.

Taurus:  The stars say, your next wrestling match will turn into a sensual adventure.

Gemini:  You will wake up with the words, “This is mine!” written on your ass in lipstick.

Lemini:  This week, you’ll notice the pork shoulder you’re eating has a tattoo on it.

Cancer:  You will open your freezer and three penguins in camo gear will jump out yelling, “Go-go-go!  No man left behind!”  They will be carrying a bag of those frozen wings you like.

Leo:  You will get punched by Justin Beiber.  It won’t hurt and even you won’t be able to sue him for assault with a straight face.

Virgo:  Your boss will demand your password to Facebook and that porn site you like.

Libra:  You will walk in your cat masturbating to America’s Cutest Dog.  Even he’s not a cat person apparently.

Scorpio:   You will cut yourself shaving.  Next time, be more careful around your genitals.

Sagittarius:  You’ll get pulled over for speeding, but the cop lets you go.  Not because you’re good at getting out of a ticket, but mostly because the cop doesn’t want to hear you explain why you have a full blown erection.

Capricorn:   A homeless person will insult your wardrobe choices.  The people on the street in the immediate vicinity will agree.

Aquarius:  You will not only find out that your Congressman is corrupt, he’s also the one that’s been stealing your newspaper.

PiscesYour new webcomic will delight fatties like yourself because it’s about food.