Ten Apocalypses You’ll Never See by Tony DiGerolamo

1.  World Wide Suicide:  You know, like in The Happening.  This would never happen, unless you forced everyone to watch that movie.

2.  Mass Electrocution: Starting on the coast of every continent, a guy standing knee-deep in the ocean attempts to recover a toaster which is plugged in.  Everyone runs to help and one at a time grabs the hand of the previous person being electrocuted.

3.  Intellectual Overload:  People of the world become so intelligent, that they contemplate the Universe with such fervor they forget to take care of bodily functions like eating.

4.  Zombie Mimes: The first zombie mime spotted is immediately shot in the head, thereby preventing the infection from spreading.  The shooter later admits that he did not know the mime was a zombie.

5.  Serial Killer Over Hunting:  After decades of screwing up families, there are so many serial killers that they over hunt the females and eventually wipe out the human race.

6.  The Buddhist Rapture Happens:  Buddha returns to Earth and offers to take all true-believing Buddhist to Nirvana.  Everyone else has to stay behind and contemplate their navels.  Religious nut-jobs use nuclear weapons to wipe out everyone just for spite.

7.  Insect Revolution: The insects rise up and bite everyone until they die.  Only Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney spared.

8.  Nuclear Weapons Legalized by NRA:  After a massive political push by the NRA, small, tactical nuclear devices are legalized.  The first home invasion sets off a chain reaction engulfing the United States.  The fallout cloud does the rest.

9.  Alien Ships: They land in every major city and what walks out are Tyrannosaurus Rexes in silver uniforms with laser pistols.  They are pissed that all the dinosaurs area dead.

10.  The Armies of Mordor: Turns out, the Lord of the Rings wasn’t fiction.  The Armies have been amassing for centuries and they burst forth through a giant hole in Northern Europe wiping out the continent overnight.  After several tactical nuclear strikes, it turns out the radiation just makes Orcs stronger and madder.

Copyright 2012