If your birthday is this week:  You will accidentally set your time machine ahead one hour and strand yourself in Ancient Egypt.

Aries:   Your iPad 7 arrives from the future to upgrade your iPad 3.

Taurus:   The stars say, your Pink Slime-theme restaurant idea probably needs some tweaking.

Gemini:   Your techno-wind chimes will begin to attract birds that build their nests out of glowsticks and stuff your bird feeders with ecstasy.

Lemini:   You should stop looking for answers in your horoscope.  They’re all bullshit.

Cancer:   Due to a credit card mishap at a parking kiosk, you end up paying parking for the entire city of Newark.

Leo:  The used car deal will offer you a free new finish on your car.  Unfortunately, the finish is stucco.

Virgo:   You will organize a group to help save a beached whale until you find a “Vote Santorum” bumper sticker on its tail.

Libra:   Adult Swim will turn down your cartoon pitch, “Fart Police”.

Scorpio:   Your erotic puppet show will finally close.  Now you can finally clean all that felt out of your crotch.

Sagittarius:   You will be pulled over by the cops for driving like an asshole.  Instead of a summons, they’ll force you to legally change your first name to “Dickhole”.

Capricorn:  You will find a tiny top hat, cane and spectacles at the bottom of your bag of peanuts.

Aquarius:   Your game of solitaire ends in another fist fight.

Pisces:   Your Sunday birthday party will be full of fun, but contain no live celebrities.  But zombie James Brown will be immensely entertaining.