Your Fratoscope: March 11, 2012on March 11, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You will accidentally set your time machine ahead one hour and strand yourself in Ancient Egypt.
Aries: Your iPad 7 arrives from the future to upgrade your iPad 3.
Taurus: The stars say, your Pink Slime-theme restaurant idea probably needs some tweaking.
Gemini: Your techno-wind chimes will begin to attract birds that build their nests out of glowsticks and stuff your bird feeders with ecstasy.
Lemini: You should stop looking for answers in your horoscope. They’re all bullshit.
Cancer: Due to a credit card mishap at a parking kiosk, you end up paying parking for the entire city of Newark.
Leo: The used car deal will offer you a free new finish on your car. Unfortunately, the finish is stucco.
Virgo: You will organize a group to help save a beached whale until you find a “Vote Santorum” bumper sticker on its tail.
Libra: Adult Swim will turn down your cartoon pitch, “Fart Police”.
Scorpio: Your erotic puppet show will finally close. Now you can finally clean all that felt out of your crotch.
Sagittarius: You will be pulled over by the cops for driving like an asshole. Instead of a summons, they’ll force you to legally change your first name to “Dickhole”.
Capricorn: You will find a tiny top hat, cane and spectacles at the bottom of your bag of peanuts.
Aquarius: Your game of solitaire ends in another fist fight.
Pisces: Your Sunday birthday party will be full of fun, but contain no live celebrities. But zombie James Brown will be immensely entertaining.