News!  Rewritten the way it should be!  This is your Rewritten Headlines!

Real: The Eddie Murphy You Love is Dead

Rewritten: Movie Reviewer Too Emotionally Invested in Celebrity

Real: Job Figures Raise Hope For US Recovery

Rewritten: Government Prays Rich People Stop Firing People

Real: United States Agrees to Transfer Bagram Prison to Control of Afghan Army

Rewritten: US Outsources More Jobs

Real: Kids Left Living on Bus in Texas:  Jailed Parents Say It Was Temporary

Rewritten: Police Help Poor Family By Putting Everyone in Jail

Real: LSD May Help Alcoholics Stay Off Booze

Rewritten: AA Meetings to Become Way More Interesting