If your birthday is this week:  Your surprise party will be canceled due to lack of interest.  Surprise!

Aries:   You will attend an NHL hockey game and catch a puck with your ribs.  Fortunately, the BBQ sauce cushions the blow, unfortunately the ribs are in your mouth at the time.

Taurus:   You will find an escaped gorilla in your kitchen.  He’ll make you an amazingly light and fluffy omelet.

Gemini:   You’ll get interrupted while masturbating in a gas station restroom.  Fortunately, the person that walks in on you is just there to masturbate too.

Lemini:   Your landlord will evict you for being uninteresting.

Cancer:    The stars say, those “yogurt raisins” you’ve been eating are actually turds from an albino bunny.

Leo:  You will receive your degree in Japanese Language Studies, but discover that you still don’t understand what the fuck Dragonball Z is about.

Virgo:   This week, Nicholas Cage will burst into your kitchen, grab the blueberry muffin off your plate, say “The final clue!” and then run away.

Libra:   You will finally finish that brick enclosure to your driveway.  Unfortunately a man with a mustache and overalls will kick it to pieces until he finds one hard piece full of gold coins.  Fortunately, he will be eaten by the giant Venus Flytrap you planted.

Scorpio:   You dog wins the lottery.  Now you have to shit outside.

Sagittarius:   Your place will be raided by the Mounties and you’ll learn an important lesson about purchasing Maple Syrup from an unlicensed vendor.

Capricorn:  You will answer the wrong Craigslist ad and instead of having a casual sexual encounter, you’ll end up buying an old computer desk for $15.

Aquarius:    After 15 years, you will receive a fax.  It will read, “Why haven’t you bought an iPhone yet?”

Pisces:   You will shame many of your friends and family to visit your website this week.  Hooray hits!