It’s my birthday this week bros.  Now before you go run off and do several beer bongs in my honor, I thought I’d share my heartfelt birthday wishes that we’ll never see.  But hey, it’s my birthday cake.  I’ll wish as unrealistically as I want, dammit!

1.  $588 million dollars:  I used to wish for lottery jackpots of, say, $72 million when they were the largest.  I figure, I might as well be ahead of the curve.  After all, you lose the first hundred million to taxes and this would pretty much facilitate the rest of the list.  I’d be the perfect millionaire.  I’m fun and wasteful with cash.

2.  I would like to be the guy that makes first contact with alien life forms:  I mostly want this because it would so infuriate people.  People would say stuff like, “Why him?  There’s billions of people on this planet and the ship lands in his backyard while he’s barbecuing?!  Why?!”  The alien would just land and we’d chat.  From then on, I’d be the guy they’d keep calling to talk to the aliens.  And the government guys would be all aggressive and demanding and I would have to keep explaining that all I did was sit down and offer the alien a burger.  And the aliens would be like, “Why is everyone else on your planet so uptight?”  I would say, “I don’t know, they’re just really freaked out.”  Then I would book them on 60 Minutes and the Howard Stern Show.

3.  I’d like to find pirate treasure: Captain Kidd did bury some of his treasure in New Jersey, so realistically, it’s probably the most possible of these first three.

4.  Ron Paul becomes president: Now people that know me already know I’m a supporter, but mostly I’d like to see Dr. Paul win to watch all the smug pundits eat crow.  It will be an amazing Daily Show montage.

5.  I’d like to save the president:  Not that I’d do anything superheroic.  I just happen to walk into the guy at the right time in a crowd and he sort of trips over me and drops his gun.  The next thing you know, the Secret Service are beating the crap out of both of us until someone points out it was the other guy.  I do some talk shows, maybe parlay it into my own sitcom.

6.  Stopping a terrorist plot: Again, wrong place, right time.  I get trapped in the room with the bomb and its about to go off.  With nothing to lose, I just start pulling out wires or maybe I just pour my iced tea over it.  By some miracle, the bomb stops.  Again, talk shows.  Free iced tea for life.

7. My Fratoscope predictions become startlingly accurate: It gets to the point where people email me, requesting better horoscopes, rather than embarrassing ones that sound funny.

8.  Due a massive computer virus, temporarily becomes on the only functioning website on the Internet for 24 hours:  Needless to say, the hits are amazing and I spend the next six weeks filtering through the comments.  Most of them say, “WTF is this?!”

9.  I acquire a Time Machine:  This time traveler shows up (again, probably in my backyard.  I never go anywhere.).  He’s kind of a dick and tries to rob me, so I end up accidentally killing him.  When I go inside the machine, I realize what it is and that the traveler actually stole it from the real owner.  Realizing I should not go back in time because I could end up creating a paradox, I instead go forward ten years with a flash drive, go into my house, copy Wikipedia for 2012-2022, some key stock quotes, etc.  Then it’s see birthday wish #1.

10.  I discover I’m immortal: Not like Highlander.  After 150 years, I get examined by doctors and they tell me the aging process doesn’t totally work right on me.  With social security run out, I’m stone cold broke.  I do appearances signing autographs as the “World’s Oldest Man”.  Eventually, I get back on my feet when my websites are unearth by Electronic Archaeologists.  Project Wonderful pays me $588 million in owed ad revenue and I’m finally able to pay for one of those new, floating condos in the sky.