If your birthday is this week:    Your plan to over buy candy for Halloween worked perfectly, except for the diabetes.

Aries:  You will be sued for destroying the scenic beauty of a public place after visiting a nude beach.  Maybe try doing some sit ups.

Taurus:  You will read a horoscope that will be untrue.

Gemini:   Your plan to “Occupy Kitchen” does nothing to get your roommate to do the dishes.

Lemini :   Your dog wants to go out.  He’d like to go to a moderately priced restaurant and see a movie.

Cancer:   The stars say, take a moment to inventory your life.  You’re going to be robbed soon.

Leo:  Your boss notices the fishnet stockings you wore to work.  Apparently, they frown upon this kind of thing at the brokerage firm.

Virgo:   This week, you’ll invent a new excuse to cheat on your girlfriend involving zombies.

Libra:   You really should stop dating that Virgo.

Scorpio:  You’ll have sex with a Virgo in zombie make up.

Sagittarius:   You’ll discover that no one wants to attend a convention dedicated to the TV show Webster.

Capricorn:   According to the stars, David Duchovny will come to your house and attempt to prove you’re Bigfoot.  Maybe you should shave.

Aquarius:   Your attempt at depositing your Monopoly winnings at Bank of America fails.

Pisces:   You will watch far too many cartoons and then have some pie.