It’s time for all the news that’s fit to be Rewritten.  This is Rewritten Headlines, with the most Rewritten News Team in the Nation!

Real: Jackson Case Jury Gets Weekend Off

Rewritten: Jackson Case Jury Gets Extra Time to Arrange Future Interviews and Book Deals

Real: Romney:  “I’ve been as consistent as human beings can be.”

Rewritten: Mitt Romney and His Hair Claim to be Human

Real: Bill Cosby Gets Flashed on the Streets of New York

Rewritten: Bill Cosby Spontaneously Spouts a Bunch of Nonsense Words That Mean Boobs

Real: Columbia Kills Top FARC Leader

Rewritten: Americans Wonder What a “FARC” is

Real: “Lost Interview” with Steve Jobs to be Show on Silver Screen

Rewritten: Steve Jobs Getting Tu Pac’d by Movies

Real: Alien City Lights Could Be Detected Across Interstellar Space

Rewritten: Scientists Find Evidence Hipsters May Be Everywhere