If your birthday is this week:  Your donut that you buy at Dunkin Donuts has two holes instead of just one!  Happy Birthday!

Aries:  Your latest iPad app tells you that you waste too much time on Angry Birds and deletes it.

Taurus: Your Quesadilla will contain chalk, mainly because your short order cook at Friday’s was also your History teacher in high school.

Gemini:  Your trip to Costco will end after you purchase an oil drum full of mayo.

Lemini :  Your 6th level Dwarf cleric will be killed by an Orc.

Cancer:  The stars say, you can stop checking the Internet.  It’s unlikely that Scarlett Johansson’s pictures have been hacked again.

Leo:  You will let go what you think is a silent fart in church.  Fortunately, it’s silent.  Unfortunately, it’s not a fart.

Virgo:  You will find a mouse in your beer.  He’ll remove a tiny scuba mask from his face and squeak, “You’re clear to drink.”

Libra:  You will get a phone call from Sarah Palin asking you to take her survey.  You’ll agree, but halfway through, she’ll decide to quit.

Scorpio:  You’ll decide that it’s too early to unbox the Christmas dildos when you haven’t even used the Halloween ones yet.

Sagittarius:  You will meet the monster that used to live under your bed when you were a kid.  You’ll catch up at Starbucks and share a Frappaccino.

Capricorn:  You will go to load your gun, but find that the box is full of unpopped popcorn kernels.  If you turned on your microwave shortly before that, run.

Aquarius:  You will catch your roommate attempting to smoke your bong with his ass.  Guess you owe your dealer an apology about that “ass weed” comment.

Pisces:  Your new Batman video game is taking up a lot of your time.  You should make time to empty that adult diaper before you reach 50% completion.