If your birthday is this week:  You discover that no one wants to eat your world-record sized hot dog, mostly because you have to leave a large portion of it on the ground as you cook it a section at a time.

Aries:  You show up to work on Labor Day by mistake, which will be hilarious news for a coworker.  Now who’s a moron for burying a Dilbert calendar for their desk?

Taurus:  You’ll get laid at Dragon Con.  Of course, everyone will.

Gemini:  Turns out, that “genie” you freed was just a blue-skinned convict.  All your wish-loot is stolen.

Lemini:  You, like most of America, still won’t have a job next week.  But unlike the rest of America, it’s mainly because you smell like shit and hot sauce mixed together.

Cancer:  The stars say, stop gambling.  You’re really bad at it.  No one else has ever lost $14,000 playing Solitaire.

Leo:  This week your life will be full of fun, adventure and good times.  Nah.  Just joshin’ ya.  You’ll still have the same shitty life.

Virgo:  It’s okay to screw over your co-worker at work.  Turns out, you’re going to Hell either way.

Libra:  Turns out, your dog has been eating your cookies, not your roommate.  Stealing from his wallet wasn’t totally pointless, turns out he is screwing your girlfriend.

Scorpio:  Your orgy at Dragon Con will get out of hand and spill into the street.  Fortunately, no one notices.

Sagittarius:  Your porn screenplay will be rejected.  Mainly because of its September 11th theme and lack of sex.

Capricorn:  You will be invited to a secret island to fight to the death for the secret of immortality.   Sadly, you’re working that weekend.

Aquarius:  You find out the frat brothers that left you naked at the bottom of a porta-potty, don’t actually go to your school.  They do lawn maintenance on your campus.

Pisces:  Your pizza man will arrive on time, but he’ll criticize your wardrobe.