News is hard, as any beauty contestant will tell you.  Fortunately, our crack Super Frat news team is even lazier than you.  Here now are the headlines, rewritten for your enjoyment.

Real: Serve Fails Maria Sharapova as She Falls in Third Round

Rewritten: Hot Chick Loses Tennis Match, But is Still Hot

Real: Roger Clemens to Face Retrial

Rewritten: Judges and Prosecutors Continue to Like Meeting Baseball Players

Real: Space Junk Endangers NASA Satellites, Spacecraft

Rewritten: Astronauts Forget to Pick Up Their Shit

Real: Obama Cancels Ozone Rules After Lobbying by Business

Rewritten: Politician Prefers Re-Election Cash Over Principles

Real: Dick Cheney Not Sold on Sarah Palin

Rewritten: Evil Incarnate Dislikes Moron

Real: US Stocks Fall Sharply After Dismal Jobs Report

Rewritten: Rich People Panic That Poor May No Longer Have Money to Exploit