It’s time for Rewritten Headlines. Tony D reads the news, so you don’t have to. And now, here they are.

Real: Gay Marriage Bill Moves to New York Senate Floor

Rewritten: Bed, Bath and Beyond Braces Itself for a Spike of New Wedding Registries

Real: Actor Peter Falk Dies at 83

Rewritten: Columbo to Solve the Final Mystery

Real: Americans May Hit Gas Again After Reserve Release

Rewritten: Assholes to Keep Hummers for Another Summer

Real: Minot Residents Warned to Evacuate

Rewritten: Serious Headline Could be Made into Poop Joke

Real: UK Census Hack Leads to So-Called LulzSec Arrest

Rewritten: Computer Geek Finally Destined to Get Laid