If your birthday is this week:    This week, Mummar Kaddafi will attempt to befriend you on Facebook.  Trust your instincts.  He’d make an excellent addition to your Mafia Wars game.

Aries:    The stars say, you will laugh at a video from YouTube just as your boss walks past your cubicle.  You will be promoted because he thinks you’re laughing at his joke.  Nice.

Taurus:   Your attempt to create a “No-Fly Zone” over your house fails miserably.  Maybe you should find a place further from airport.

Gemini:  You will make a joke about the Japanese earthquake in a Hello Kitty store.  The police report will later read that you were “beaten unconscious by an unruly mob of little girls.”  You can make up for the joke here.

Lemini:   Your roast will taste terrible.  Next time you drop raw meat in the sand, wash it thoroughly.  Your theory about “heat killing dirt” doesn’t make any sense.

Cancer:   Your girlfriend is pregnant.  Maybe next time don’ t buy gas station condoms.

Leo:   Your McDonald’s French Fry order will contain an onion ring, which is weird because they don’t make them.

Virgo:   Your stalker will abruptly resign, claiming he’s just too bored watching you.

Libra:   Your hipster pig farm is a disaster.  All the pigs refuse to give up their bacon because “it’s been done”.

Scorpio:    The stars say, your homemade lube causes most of your swinger guests to break out in a rash.  Fortunately, most of them already have STD’s so no one notices.

Sagittarius:   This week, a monkey will give you the finger.

Capricorn:   Your current relationship gets complicated this week.  Turns out, that cougar you’ve been dating never divorced her husband.  Don’t bother grabbing your pants, he just returned from a gun show.

Aquarius:   It’ll be a pretty boring week.  Although you will see some pantless guy running away from your neighbor’s house.

Pisces:  Eating 75 cupcakes in one sitting will seem like a good idea at the time, until you realize that you could’ve had one cupcake for 75 days if you had just thought about it.