translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Clotheshorse Roomie,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate likes to leave his  dirty and clean clothes in various spots all over the apartment.  I’ve tried everything short of picking up after him.  What do you suggest?


Bill, 21, Cornell U

Dear CHR

Cactus say, two words, “Staple Gun”.   Just staple everything where he leave it, but make sure you video tape it for YouTube.  He’ll either get neater or provide millions with amusement on the Internet.

Headbanger Headaches in NJ

Señor Cactus,

I love my girlfriend, but I can’t stand her taste in TV and music.  If I have to sit through another episode of “Dancing with the Stars” or listen to Justin Beiber one more time, I’m going to lose it.  And she’s incredibly sensitive about this stuff and insist we do things together.  I don’ t give a shit if she plays video games with me or listens to Metallica.  How can I push her away without breaking up with her?

Rich, 18, Sayerville

Dear Headbanger

Cactus say, it simple!  Just be more annoying!  Do everything you can to make being with you during TV time a bad experience.  Fart!  Fart a lot.  Get incredibly drunk too!  Most of all, ask questions!  So many questions that it’s clear, you aren’t paying attention to the show!  Once she can’t watch da show, she’ll have to choose between you and TV.  No contest!  TV always wins!

The Dude Returns


What the Hell?

Some Dude

Dear Dude

Cactus say, “the Hell” is what you make of it.  For some, that would be havin’ a big bag of chronic and no paper to roll it with.  Or worse, havin’ a big stack of rollin’ paper with nothing to roll in it!  Dis is my worst nightmare, mon.  I think I have to go hug my stash.

Frustrated in Freeport

Yo Señor Cactus,

What is wrong with women?  I have had three relationships in the last four months.  The first girl broke up with me because she said I didn’t drink enough.  The second girl broke up with me because she said I was too clingy.  And the third girl broke up with me because I was cheap.  What does it take?!

Kevin, Freeport, RI

Dear Unlucky

Cactus say, apparently it takes being a drunken douchebag that know how to make it rain once in a while.  Cactus suggest to stop yer whinin’.  Ya banged three chicks in four months, it’s not a bad battin’ average mon.  Keep swingin’ bro.  Because once ya get dat girl, you’ll be stuck in only her battin’ cage for awhile.

And if you have a question for Señor Cactus email us here!