If your birthday is this week:  Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has finally been repealed, so you’re plan to get out of Iraq by making out with your patrol sergeant goes right out the window.  On the upside, his evaluation of you is perfect.

Aries:  Your seemingly generous roommate will let you bang his girlfriend, unfortunately, he just didn’t want to be the only guy on your floor that banged a tranny by mistake.

Taurus:  Your imaginary friend will defriend you on Facebook.  Tough break.

Gemini:  The stars say, now is the time to invest in the future.  Convert those soda cans into nickels, the shopping cart is full.

Lemini:  Your office Christmas party will be extremely memorable.  Mostly because you take off your pants and shit on photocopier.

Cancer:  Those copies you planned to make on Monday?  I’d wait.

Leo:  The only thing more scarier than finding a picture of yourself with your roommate’s balls on your check while you’re passed out drunk is finding a notation on the picture that says, “Never been so hard.  Can’t wait to do this again.”

Virgo:  When you roommate said she wanted to have a “Black Swan” lesbian moment, you automatically assumed she hadn’t seen the movie.  Turns out she did.  Better remove all the mirrors from your room.

Libra:  Your pot brownies accidentally get switched with your moms.  Your friends are disappointed, but the boy scout troop that gets your brownies has an awesome field trip.

Scorpio:  Thanks to an email mix up, your Popeye fetish will be brought out into the open.  Weirdo.

Sagittarius:  Turns out, the commercials were wrong.  Your cousin from Sicily thinks the Olive Garden’s food is shit.

Capricorn:  The stars say, a text message will change your life.  Well, technically, it’s when you are responding that causes you to drive off the cliff.

Aquarius:  This week, your Mafia Family will ask you to whack a mall Santa.  It will be a conflicted Christmas for you.

Pisces:  A stupid virus will attack your computer without even the common decency to fill your hard drive with porn.  Bastards.