If your birthday is this week: Your trick or treat basket will contain an awful lot of vodka bottles and vicodin. Maybe you should stopping ringing the bell at Lindsay Lohan’s house.

Aries: You homemade prop gun was incredibly realistic. At least, that’s what the police report will say.

Taurus: You enjoy your Bruno costume a lot. A whole lot. Maybe it’s time to just swing the closet open wide and tell everyone what we already know.

The stars say, the Halloween prank you play on your girlfriend goes over a little too well. On the bright side, her target practice really pays off. When you jump out dressed as Jason, she puts five out of six shots through the hockey mask.

This week, you’ll rethink your wardrobe. After dressing up as a whore for the Halloween party, your best friend will look at you and says, “Are you going to change into your costume now?”

You fool! Your wifi is coming from inside the house! Get out! Get out!

This week, you’ll fail to check the back seat of your car before driving away from the crazy old man. Fortunately, the axe murderer hiding behind you loves Dave Matthews and waits until the end of Everyday before killing you.

The stars say, shooting Michael Meyers in the chest is not going to work for very long. Don’t turn your back on him and say, “Thank God that’s over with.”

The Halloween strangler turns out to be you. Or is that what the strangler just wanted you to think? You strangle yourself just to be safe.

You have a lot to explain after your car accident. Next time, stop the car before trying to egg a house.

Your ninja costume is awesome and stealthy as shit! No one can see you, including the driver of that caravan. Ouch.

Pre-emptively shooting your housemates during what you think is the zombie apocalypse backfires. On the upside, those trick or treaters in the zombie Halloween costumes look fucking cool.

Pisces: Now that you’ve collected the most candy, maybe you should let those trick or treaters out of your basement.