Jan23

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Book of Eli

by tonyd on January 23, 2010 at 1:28 am

Hollywood seems suddenly fascinated with the end of the world, churning movies like The Road and Legion and, oh yeah, the Book of Eli.  Eli will probably leave you pretty annoyed in the third act.  The first two acts are an action movie, the last act is meant to be a big twist, but good luck with that.  I didn’t buy it.  If you were pissed off by the ending of the Sixth Sense (which I liked because at least that had a supernatural explanation) you’ll probably be screaming for you money back.  I can ruin this movie in two words.  Click here, if you don’t want to see the movie.

Ya see what I mean?  That’s not even the biggest problem with the movie.  The biggest problem is that the first two acts are clearly an action movie, but the last act is more of a spiritual movie.  Plus, the script wastes a ton of time on scenes that don’t really advance the idea of who Eli is and what motivates him.  The actions scenes are just a big distraction.

The rule of movies is this: if you have a first act with some action and then a second act with even more action, the third act should be an orgy of violence.  Doesn’t happen and you’re left with the sense that no one expected the audience to pay too close to the plot.  Gary Oldman is good, but he seems to be trying to do all the acting for everyone.  Denzel Washington kicks some ass, but ultimate his character falls pretty flat.  Mila Kunis is given little to do.  She supposed to be Eli’s protege’, but we never get the “training the Jedi” scene that would tied up at least some of the loose ends.

This is definitely a “wait for DVD” movie and I wouldn’t put it on the top of your cue.  No Mila Kunis nudity, I’m afraid, bros.  I give the Book of Eli 4 out of 10 keggers.

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Jan22

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on January 22, 2010 at 12:01 am

Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit, transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

senorcactuslogo.jpg

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Worried in PA:

Señor Cactus:

My boyfriend said he thinks he’s more attractive than me, should I be worried?

Dori, 20, PSU

Dear “Pat”:

Cactus, say, dat depend on what yer boyfriend look like.  If he look like da pretty boys from da 80’s band Poison, you probably okay looking. But if he look like a guy, ya should probably get yer upper lip waxed again.

Regifter in Raleigh:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m completely out of money and it’s my girlfriend’s birthday this week.  I was cleaning some stuff out of a closet, I came across a necklace I had bought for a previous girlfriend.  We had broken up and she gave it back to me.  I had intended on selling it on ebay, but never got around to it.  You think it would be wrong to give it to my new girlfriend?

T.M. in NC

Dear Future Liar:

Cactus say, if you’re going ta lie to yer girlfriend, be good at it!  Dis is yer opportunity ta practice, mon!  She’ll be so happy ta get a gift, she’ll never know!  And if she ever meet yer ex, she’ll assume she some jealous bitch!  It’s perfect, mon!  Don’t let this perfect lie go to waste!  Start da lies in your relationship right!

Thieving R.A.:

Señor Cactus:

I’m the RA in a dorm, so I stayed on the floor a few extra days before Christmas break.  After everyone was gone, I broke into their rooms and stole one item.  My idea was to gift wrap them all and give them back as gifts when they got back from break.  I had them gift wrapped and in a storage closet that I thought I locked. When I got back from break, two of the guys on the floor discovered the gifts and handed them out randomly to everyone on the floor.  None of these dumbasses have figured out what actually happened and most got the wrong “gift” back.  A few have complained about the “missing” items.  What would you advise?  Should I come clean?

B. 22, Location Withheld

Dear Retarded Prankster:

Cactus say, fuck no!  You gotta do it again to see how many times you can switch stuff from these morons’ room until they start ta catch on!  And each time ya steal sometin’ make sure its more and more personal.  Cactus got five dollars says ya can’t do it more than three times before dey figure it out.

Johnny Appleseed:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I banged this girl in her room while her roommate was out and she insisted that I take the used condom with me and “dispose of it”. I wrapped it in some tissues and stuck it in my jacket pocket. Half way back to my room, some friends pull up in a car and ask me to go with them to a bar. I hop in and now I’m really regretting not dropping the condoms in the nearest trash can. We get to the bar and I figure I can go into the bathroom, but it’s full and I can’t find a trash can anywhere. I take my jacket off and grab the tissues and slip outside a side door. I find a trash can and dump the tissues. When I get back, I discover to my horror that the condom had fall out and ended up in the middle of the floor. It was discovered by a hysterical waitress and the owner called the police. Fortunately, no one saw me drop it. The cops arrived and I’m sure they were not happy to have to pick up my spooge and put it in an evidence bag.

Do you think they would spend the money to do an DNA test to find me? Am I fucked?

Name withheld

Dear Load Dropper:

Cactus say, you fucked in da head! What is wrong witchu mon?! Dis ain’t no CSI: Miami! Dem cops probably dropped dat condom in da nearest trashcan like you shoulda done! Next time, play it safe. Cum on her face.

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Jan21

Who Should Eat a Dick

by tonyd on January 21, 2010 at 1:10 am

sf-chris-avatar.jpg  with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors are so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

— The Jonesville, Michigan woman who was arrested for biting off one-third of her sister’s nose during a fight should take the nose out of her mouth and eat a dick.

— Joshua Good, the Connecticut man who pulled a knife on some teens who hit his car with a snowball and kidnapping one of them should eat Frosty’s carrot dick and snow balls. Happy Birthday!

— The three employees of strip club Platinum 21 who tried roaches, rats, and then burned down competitor Club Onyx should all eat a Chippendale’s dick wrapped in sweaty singles.

— The woman accused of hiding her mother’s corpse in her home for up to eight months to collect the dead woman’s Social Security payments should eat an eight-month-dead dick in hell.

— The South Florida woman who called in a bomb threat to Miami International Airport so that her boss wouldn’t miss his flight should eat a dick of dynamite.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

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Jan20

Twitter in Focus: Stan Lee

by tonyd on January 20, 2010 at 1:16 am

Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today we have a very special twitter account to analyze—  None other than Stan the Man!  Mr. Excelsior himself!  Stan Lee!  He’s got a verified account and nothing but time on his hands.  Will he spill Spiderman’s secrets?  Did he really turn into the Hulk once?  Find out true believers via 140 characters a pop!

January 17th, 2:52pm: “One question that’s often asked of me is– “Do you still work for Marvel?” It’s a complex ussue, but I’ll strive to illuminate the subject–”

Ooo!  Dish-dish-dish, Stan!

January 17th,  2:58pm: “The short answer is– Yes, I’m still on the payroll of Mighty Marvel. However, I’m also allowed to script andf strive for POW! Entertainment”

Hey, look at you, developing like crazy.   Post some pics from “Hef’s Superbunnies”.  I think the bros would like that.

January 17th, 3:05pm: “–And I’mI also happily involved with the wondrous Walt Disnrey Co.! My partner Gill has to remind me, with each job, who I’m working for”

But of course.  Disney owns Marvel now.  How long before a Mickey vs. The Thing match up?  The clock is ticking.

January 17th, 3:07pm: “Wow, that was a long-winded reply to a simple question. It’s lucky you don’t hit me with complicated queries– I’d never pounding the keys!”

Um, I’d never “pound the keys” either Stan.  It would be unnatural somehow.

January 17th, 3:10pm: “I just wantcha to know I read your comments, get a helluva kick out of them and regret that it’s impossible to reply to them individually.”

That’s okay, Stan.  This is Twitter.  No one is listening to anybody.

January 17th, 3:17pm: “Yesterday, while greeting fans in the City of Induistry, some execs from “The Big BAng Theory.” showed up to discuss my “starring” role!”

Being a legend does have its benefits.  I can’t wait until you’re in an episode of “Sons of Anarchy”.

January 17th, 3:19pm: “I decided maybe I shouldn’t call ’em “Cameos.” Maybe “Guest Appearances” is classier. Or “Supporting player?” “Star” might be a bit much.”

Yeah and I wouldn’t clear a space for an Emmy just yet.

January 17th, 3:23pm: “My preceding tweets’ll indicate the weighty matters I have to wrestle with. They barely leave me enough energy to close with– EXCELSIOR!”

Weighty matters?  No, no, Stan.  This is Twitter.  We want to hear about what sandwich you’re eating and when you went to the mall or what cool picture you found on the Internet.  This is the rule of Twitter.

January 17th, 3:34pm: “I thought I was thru tweeting but I just read your comments about all the typos I made. I feel I owe you an explanation, so here goes–”

No, no, everybody does that Stan.  The bar is very low here.

January 17th, 3:36pm: “Y’see, I don’t touch type. I’m a fast hunt ‘n pecker. So I’m always looking at the keys rather than the screen. But there’s even mkore–”

U gots 2 use wrds like dis, bro.  Keeps tweets lo.

January 17th, 3:41pm: “I really haven’t time to tweet tho I love doing it. I’m always rushing. So soon as I type something I hit “send” and don’t wait to proof it”

Proofing is for 1965 ditto machines, Stan.  You gotta accept the mistakes.  Live them.  Breathe them.  No one else on the Internet spellchecks, why should you?  Don’t be a hero, Stan!

January 17th, 3:43pm: “So that’s my sorrowful :”mea culpa” about all the typos I make. I hope that won’t disqualify your Generalissimo from leading you in battle”

Battle?  Are we attacking the DC offices general?  I gotta tell ya, if they don’t buzz you in good luck getting up there.  Plus if they drop that big plastic Superman they have in the lobby on the elevator as you’re riding it up, forget it.  You’re a gonner.

January 17th, 3:44pm: “Having thrown myself on your mercy, I will now retreat to my command tent to plan our future campaigns. EXCELSIOR!”

My God.  He’s got a whole private army like Blackwater.

24 hours ago: “I’m amazed how quickly many of you respond to my tweets! No sooner do I write ‘em than I find hundreds of replies. You’re faster than I am”

Welcome to the Internets Stan.

24 hours ago: “Luckily, your responses give me ideas for things to tweet about. Between you and me, we’re practically writing this stuff together!”

Okay, let me help you out.  What we want to know is what you’re doing when your tweeting.  So like, if you’re bored and waiting for a cab, tweet that.  Or maybe you’re having a lunch, tell us what you ordered.  And then, when you have a big announcement, it’ll look that much cooler.  Plus we’ll feel like we’re following you along on your day.  Or, you can tweet about other people.  Like this guy does or this guy.  Maybe you could follow around Dan Didio for the day.  That would be funny.

24 hours ago: “Lots of you are asking what I’ll be doing in Las Vegas in March. Gambling? Partying? A one-man show? Nope, not even close!”

Hiring hookers to dress up like the Scarlett Witch?  Opening the first Marvel themed casino?  Both are pretty good ideas.

24 hours ago: “I can’t tell you why I’ll be in Vegas in March. If I do, I’ll have nothing to tweet about in March! And who wants a tweetless month?”

Awww, dude!  You’re a tweet tease!

24 hours ago: “Gotta go! Just got an idea for a great ending to a plot I’ve written. With my memory, if I don’t write it now it’ll be Goodbye Charlie!”

See!  That’s the kind of tweet we want.  It provides a little insight into your day.

24 hours ago: “Y’know, “Goodbye Charlie” could be a good name for a comedy. Maybe I’ll write it. But till then– Good Night, Bunky! EXCELSIOR!”

Bunky?  Now that’s a new superhero.  He could be Bucky’s sidekick.  Bunky and Bucky together again!

6 hours ago: “Bad news. No tweet time today. Must write all afternoon, then a business meet tonight. Be brave little Brigadiers, There’s always tomorrow.”

We will, Stan, we will.  Oh, and also, you can reply on tweets by doing an “@” and then typing the twitter account name right after.  So if you wanted to reply to me, you’d just put “@TonyDiGerolamo:” and then whatever you wanted to say.

I think Stan is new at this.  Give him credit.  Most people his age are still struggling with VCR’s.  He’s not doing too bad for a noob.  Okay, let’s rate Stan’s tweets.  For Mustness, I give him an 8 simply because he’s Stan, c’mon.  You gotta follow the man!  Insanity, I give him a 7, because he is a little crazy to put himself out there.  For Style, I give him a 9, totally consistent with his character, although I wish he’d open up a little more.  That’s an overall score of 8.  C’mon!  Follow Stan the Man!

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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