Jul13

Game Mentor: Lingo

by tonyd on July 13, 2010 at 12:21 am

The Game Mentor is back and talking about Lingo!

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Jul11

Your Fratoscope: July 11, 2010

by tonyd on July 11, 2010 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week: The stars say rejoice! You will finally beat a long time rival! But, say the stars, make sure you wipe your fingerprints off the bat.

Aries: Your history exam does not go as planned. Next time, maybe you’ll remember not to hide your shrooms in your trail mix.

Taurus: Don’t worry about using protection with that chick you’ve been dating. Her boyfriend already knocked her up.

Gemini: Bad news. There is no such thing as “Hoagie Fest”, so that float you’ve been building out of lunchmeat has been a complete waste of time.

Lemini: Steve Martin will fit you for shoes. You’ll ask him to do his “Happy Feet” bit, but he’ll just bow and shake his head “No” very sadly.

Cancer: A street gang made up of hipsters will corner you in a dark alley and make you listen to their ipod. Their music will suck.

Leo: The prank you pull on your roommate will be hilarious. Maybe you’ll get to pull the same prank on your cellmate after you’re caught.

Virgo: Your porn site idea is a flop. No one wants to see human genitalia photoshopped onto action figures.

Libra: You’ll run back to the dorm to catch this week’s episode of Two and a Half Men, but trip, fall down some stairs, drop your container of wings and crack a femur. Sadly, it is a rerun this week. Buy a fucking Tivo already.

Scorpio: The stars say you’ll attend a wedding this week and get laid. Unfortunately, after six hours at the open bar, it will be with the grandmother of the bride.

Sagittarius: Turns out your high school Spanish teacher was incompetent. You get robbed by some Latino gang members and when you try to thank them for not shooting you, they suddenly beat the shit out of you.

Capricorn: You run out of Mac and Cheese this week, but other than that, you’re cool.

Aquarius: You find a human arm underneath your car. Maybe you shouldn’t ignore bumps in the road when you’re driving drunk.

Pisces: Your agent calls. Unfortunately, it’s to borrow $300.

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Jul10

Frat Boy At the Movies: Predators

by tonyd on July 10, 2010 at 2:09 am

My expectations for the new Predators movie was not good. I always felt the Predator franchise had languished since last Danny Glover kicked ass back in Predator 2. And Adrian Brody as an action star? I just couldn’t see it.

How wrong I was. Predators kicks some pretty major ass. Although 2 is still my favorite, this comes in a close second. The premise is simple: Brody and a bunch of badasses are dropped on a jungle world where the predators can hunt them. In the line up is a convict, a death squad leader, a sniper, a Yakuza, a Russian soldier and, for some reason, Topher Grace as “the doctor”.

Without giving too much away, there are many twists and turns as the movie plays out. Lawrence Fishburn has a great character and the Yakuza has an awesome fight scene. The ending is almost as solid and bleak as 2, but sadly doesn’t have that last killer Glover line.

It’s totally worth seeing and won’t insult your intelligence. The Missus was unimpressed by the movie, but she wasn’t scared out of her mind by it either. Let’s face it, this is no chick flick.

I give Predators 7.5 keggers out of 10. Go see it bros. It kicks ass!

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Jul09

Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: Joe Pesci Gets Me a Raise

by tonyd on July 9, 2010 at 12:01 am

I’ve used this one as a sample and submitted it to a few places, but for some reason it never seems to make the cut. What can I say? It was my fantasy back in the day when I worked in an insurance office.

Transcript of Joe Pesci Bullying My Boss into Giving me a Raise
copyright 2008
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

It’s about 3:40pm in my insurance office. My boss is sitting in his office which is just down the hall from my cubicle. I have propped a nearby fire exit door open so Joe can get in. His arrival is imminent as I try one last time to convince him myself.

(I knock sheepishly on the side of his doorway.)

ME: Uh, excuse me, boss? Can I talk to you a minute?

MY BOSS: Sure, what’s this about Tony?

ME: Well, I thought maybe we could revisit the issue of my raise?

MY BOSS: I told you before I can’t give you a raise right now.

ME: I know, but I’ve been here for—

MY BOSS: This is pointless. I told you I can’t give you a raise and asking me against is endangering your chances of getting one in the future.

(I hear Joe enter in the hall. He walks to the door and spots me. I give him a nod.)

MY BOSS: Who is this?

JOE PESCI: Hey, who are you? That’s the question, who are you, sir?

MY BOSS: Do you work here?

JOE PESCI: My employment status is irrelevant in this conversation. We’re here to talk about the raise you’re gonna give to my friend here.

MY BOSS: I’m not giving him a raise. And I’m calling security if you don’t leave.

JOE PESCI: You’re not callin’ nuthin’. We’re havin’ a conversation here.

(Wendy, the hot girl from accounting attempts to deliver a report.)

WENDY: (to my boss) Are you in a meeting?

MY BOSS: No. It’s okay.

(Joe intercepts her, takes the report and guides her back out.)

JOE PESCI: Actually, doll, we’re havin’ a very important conference here. If you could hold all his calls, we’ll be done in a minute.

MY BOSS: Don’t listen to him. I’m— I’m calling security!

JOE PESCI: (to Wendy) We’ll be done in a minute.

(Joe shuts the door and then pulls the cord out of the wall on my boss’s phone. He grabs the receiver out of his hand.)

JOE PESCI: You want security?! I’ll give you some fuckin’ security!

(Joe throws aside the phone and starts hitting my boss with the receiver.)

JOE PESCI: Here! Make a call now! Hello?! Operator?! Hello?!

MY BOSS: Stop it! Ow! Stop it!

JOE PESCI: You give Tony a raise right now!

MY BOSS: You can’t do this!

(Joe breaks the receiver over my boss’s head. He knocks him down and throws Wendy’s report at him. He grabs objects off the top of the desk at random: a stapler, a cup of pens, a desk blotter. They all end up on my boss.)

MY BOSS: Hey! C’mon! Stop! Ow!

JOE PESCI: You gonna give him that fuckin’ raise?! Huh?! Huh?!

MY BOSS: Security!

(Joe picks up the stapler from the floor and puts it against my boss’s hand on the floor.)

JOE PESCI: You want security?! There!

(Joe pounds the stapler. Blood comes out of my boss’s hand and he howls in pain.)

MY BOSS: Stop! Please stop!

JOE PESCI: There! There’s yer fuckin’ security! Ya cheap cocksucker motherfucker! Ya gonna give him a raise?! Huh?! Huh?!

MY BOSS: I can’t!

JOE PESCI: You lyin’ cocksucker! Don’t you lie to me! I’ll staple yer fuckin’ balls! Pull those pants down right now!

(Joe reaches for my boss’s belt, but he finally cracks.)

MY BOSS: Okay! Okay! I’ll give him a raise! I swear!

JOE PESCI: Ten percent?!

MY BOSS: What?!

(Joe pounds the stapler.)

MY BOSS: Owwwww! Okay! Okay! Please! Just stop!

JOE PESCI: Ten percent! You give him ten percent and I don’t want to hear anything about this conversation! Huh?! Cabiche?! I said cabiche?! You understand?!

MY BOSS: Yes! Yes! (sobs)

(Joe gets up, straightens his hair and suit. He unkinks his neck and adjusts his rings.)

JOE PESCI: All right, good then, we have an understanding. Now, I’m sorry for all that unpleasantness, but I didn’t want to do it. You seem like a good guy. Just a little hard headed. Hopefully, I won’t have to come back here. You don’t want me to come back here, right?

MY BOSS: (cowering) No! No, please…

JOE PESCI: All right, good. (to me) Tony, I gotta run. Tell yer grandmother I said, “Hi”, huh?

TONY: Sure, Joe. Thanks a lot.

JOE PESCI: Hey, hey, it was nuthin’, huh. You woulda done the same.

(Joe pats me on the shoulder and slips out of the office. My boss drags himself back to his office chair. There is an uncomfortable silence for a moment.)

TONY: I’m gonna go finish up my report.

(I leave my boss sobbing on the floor of his office. I leave ten minutes early to avoid traffic. My boss doesn’t say anything.)

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