I forget what specifically made me write this, but it was before the South Park Facebook episode. (Which was pretty God damned brilliant.)
Anyhow, I wrote the first ten pages and a synopsis for the rest of the episode. Looking back, it probably could be a little tighter. Maybe another rewrite or two, plus a reference to Chat Roulette would do nicely tying into the end. Let me know what you think. Of course, the South Park characters belong to Parker and Stone, not me. The copyright notice is just for my spec script, not their characters.
10-page South Park Spec Script
based on South Park, copyright 2008
written by Tony DiGerolamo
ESTABLISHING SHOT: SOUTH PARK, COLORADO
MUSIC: Transition music
EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET-DAY
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN and KENNY are walking down the street. They talk as they walk.
CARTMAN
(continuing story)
And then I added this cool theme to my
myspace page. It’s custom made with
pictures of me and Clyde Frog. I sent
a bulletin to my 2000 friends.
KYLE
Dude, myspace is lame, now.
CARTMAN
You’re just jealous, Kyle! Cause you don’t
have 2000 friends!
STAN
Those aren’t your real friends, Cartman.
You just added random people to your list.
CARTMAN
Then how come they all sent me birthday
wishes, Stan? Huh?
KENNY
(Makes Kenny sounds)
STAN
Yeah, the site tells them when your birthday
is. Besides, everyone’s on facebook now.
KYLE
Get with times, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Just for that, Kyle! I am blocking you! You
are no longer my myspace friend! Ya hear me?!
KYLE
Then you won’t have 2000 friends anymore.
You’ll only have 1999.
A beat.
CARTMAN
I hate you, Kyle.
EXT. DICKLAND PENIS PUMP FACTORY-DAY
The boys pass by the Dickland Penis Pump Factory gate. MR. DICKLAND, the owner, is closing up for good. The boys arrive at the gate just as Mr. Dickland puts the closed sign up.
KYLE
Hey, Mr. Dickland.
MR. DICKLAND
Hello, Kyle. Boys. I’m sorry, but the factory’s
closed.
STAN
Actually, we weren’t coming to your factory.
We were on our way home.
MR. DICKLAND
Oh. Still, this is big news. The Dickland Penis
Pump Factory is the largest business in South Park.
KYLE
Really? Then why are you closing?
MUSIC: Sad background music.
MR. DICKLAND
(weary)
Well, I tried to open a company in America, run by
American workers that made a good old fashioned
American product. But between foreign competition
and a few mistakes I made, we just can’t afford to
keep the Dickland Penis Pump Factory open anymore.
Well, that and sometimes our penis pump caused
people’s penises to explode. But lots of people are
gonna lose their jobs. Any of you boys have fathers
that work here?
STAN
My dad’s a geologist.
KYLE
Mine’s a lawyer.
CARTMAN
I don’t have a dad.
KENNY
(worried)
(Kenny sounds)
MR. DICKLAND
Yes, Kenny. I’m afraid your dad is out of a job.
CARTMAN
Jeez, Kenny. You family is going to be even
more poor. Lame.
EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN HALL-DAY
MUSIC: Transition music.
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE-DAY
The MAYOR is in the middle of having her portrait painted by a FRENCH ARTIST.
FRENCH ARTIST
(outrageous French accent)
Ah, one more stroke. There! She is done!
MAYOR
Finally. Let’s see this masterpiece.
The French Artist turns his canvas around. His painting resembles a picture of MICHA BARTON exposing her breast while getting out of a car. The mayor gets furious and punches him.
MAYOR
You idiot! People can see my nipples!
FRENCH ARTIST
But in France everyone love ze breasts!
MAYOR
I didn’t pay you to splash my goodies all
over the canvas! I want to look statesmanlike!
The MAYOR’S ASSISTANT comes running into the office.
MAYOR ASSISTANT
Mayor! Mayor! We just got word! Dickland Penis
Pump Factory is closed!
MAYOR
What? For the holiday?
MAYOR ASSISTANT
(grim)
No. For good.
MAYOR
Oh, my God. Call an emergency town hall meeting.
Now!
ESTABLISHING SHOT: CARTMAN’S HOUSE
MUSIC: Transition music.
INT. CARTMAN’S BEDROOM-DAY
Cartman gets onto his desktop computer. He logs into his myspace account. His myspace page has a customized layout of pictures of him and Clyde Frog. It’s a bit obsessive.
CARTMAN
All right, Kyle, time to take care of you.
SOUND EFFECT: Click-click!
CARTMAN
Ha! Blocked! Who cares if I only have 1999
friends. I’ll just make some more.
Cartman opens his email.
CARTMAN
Oh, a message from my friend, Tom. Hi Tom.
Let’s see what my friend has to say.
Cartman reads the message. It’s a typical Tom myspace message alerting users that they are cleaning up the site and deleting fake or inactive accounts.
CARTMAN
(mumbling, reading)
Hello, myspace user…performing site maintenance…
deleting inactive or fake accounts…may affect your
friends total… What?! Oh, no!
Cartman checks his friends total. It’s only 1986.
CARTMAN
Oh, God! I’m at 1986! That’s way below 2000.
(to screen) You made me look like a liar, Tom!
I’m blocking you! Dammit! 1985! (worried)
What am I going to do? This’ll make me the
laughing stock of the Internet. Unless…
Cartman clicks over to Facebook. He checks out Kyle and Stan’s profile.
CARTMAN
Ha! On Facebook Kyle only has 35 friends! I
can beat that in no time! Goodbye myspace!
INT. TOWN HALL MEETING-DAY
The mayor is holding an emergency town hall meeting with the people of South Park just outside the town hall.
MAYOR
People of South Park, thank you for coming to
this emergency town hall meeting. It has been
brought to my attention that the Dickland Penis
Pump Factory is going out of business.
ANGLE ON CROWD
A murmur of concern ripples through the crowd.
MAYOR
The closing of the factor means loss of jobs
and loss of revenue for South Park. As your
mayor, I cannot allow this to happen because
it would devastate our economy.
ANGLE ON MR. DICKMAN
He is loading up his belongings onto a station wagon nearby, preparing to leave town forever. He overhears the mayor’s speech.
MR. DICKMAN
Huh?
MAYOR
Quite simply, the Dickland Penis Pump Factory
is too big to fail. Effective immediately, I am
issuing a ten million dollar emergency bailout
to Dickland to save the jobs and our economy!
ANGLE ON CROWD
They roar with approval.
CROWD
Yay! Hooray!
UNCLE JIMBO isn’t so sure about this, but RANDY is excited.
UNCLE JIMBO
Wait a minute, what about all the other businesses
in South Park that didn’t go out of business? It
doesn’t seem fair to them.
RANDY
Jimbo, we have to act now! Besides, all those
people whose jobs we save will spend money at
those businesses!
UNCLE JIMBO
(unsure)
Oh, yeah.
ANGLE ON MR. DICKMAN
He jumps for joy.
MR. DICKMAN
Woo-hoo! Yeah!
EXT. BUS STOP-NEXT DAY
Stan and Kyle are waiting at the bus stop. Kenny approaches.
STAN AND KYLE
Hey, Kenny.
KENNY
(Kenny greeting)
STAN
Did you dad find a new job yet?
KYLE
Dude, didn’t you hear? The mayor saved
the factory. Everybody can keep their
jobs now.
STAN
Oh. That’s cool. I guess.
KYLE
Of course it’s cool, dude. Now people can
keep their jobs and Kenny won’t have to be
even poorer than he was.
STAN
But if it’s that easy to save people’s jobs, why
don’t they just save them all?
KYLE
I guess they can’t.
Cartman approaches. He looks like he’s been up all night.
CARTMAN
Hey, Stan, Kenny, Kyle.
STAN
Hey, fat ass.
CARTMAN
You may have noticed that I recently joined
Facebook. I was up until 4am, but I now have
over 100 friends. That’s way more than you,
Kyle.
KYLE
So?
CARTMAN
So? That’s more than twice as many friends.
Jealous?
KYLE
No.
A beat.
CARTMAN
Yeah, you’re jealous.
STAN
(annoyed)
Cartman, Facebook is no different from myspace.
You can have all the fake friends you want on it.
KYLE
Yeah, just because you add a lot of people
doesn’t mean you’re popular or that people
even like you.
CARTMAN
Oh, Kyle. You’re so naive. I have taken the
Likeness test and they’re are tons of people
that are just like me. Popular.
The bus pulls up and the kids begin to get on.
STAN
Dude, are you retarded? Those test applications
are just for fun. No one takes them seriously.
KYLE
Yeah, dude. Besides, everyone’s on Twitter now.
It’s sweet, you can do it from your cellphone.
Kyle presses some buttons on his cellphone. From inside the bus, Stan’s cellphone beeps and then Stan laughs.
STAN
Nice one, dude.
Cart throws down his book and starts to walk home.
CARTMAN
God dammit.
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE-DAY
Again, the mayor is posing for her portrait.
FRENCH ARTIST
Ah! She is finished! Take a look, mayor!
The French artist turns the painting around. It’s a picture of BRITNEY SPEARS exposing herself while getting out of a car. The mayor smacks him across the head.
MAYOR
Moron!
FRENCH ARTIST
But I cover ze breasts like you said!
MAYOR
I can’t have my snatch hanging in town hall!
The Mayor’s assistant burst in.
MAYOR ASSISTANT
Mayor! Mayor!
MAYOR
What is it now?
MAYOR ASSISTANT
We have an economic crisis!
MAYOR
What are you talking about? We fixed it!
Dickland reopened.
MAYOR ASSISTANT
Yes, but now the other businesses in South
Park say they need a bailout too! The Singing
Fish shop, Robot Polishers, the All Night
Speedo Shop, Outback Steakhouse—-
MAYOR
But these are all stupid businesses! Everyone
in town knows that!
MAYOR ASSISTANT
Yes, but they all have people working for them.
And all those people will be out of work and
they’ll remember who didn’t help them.
MAYOR
(frustrated)
(sighs) Fine! We’ll cut the money from
somewhere.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY-NEXT DAY
KEY: THE NEXT DAY
MUSIC: Transition music
INT. MR. GARRISON’S CLASSROOM-DAY
This is Mr. Garrison’s classroom, but because of budget cuts there are now twice as many kids jammed in here. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are in the middle of the mass of students sitting on the floor. A CLASS OF FIFTH GRADERS is also in the room and have taken most of the seats.
KYLE
Dude, why are there so many kids in here?
STAN
I don’t know. Maybe the fifth graders made
a mistake coming here.
Stan gets hit in the head by a book.
STAN
Ow!
The fifth graders laugh. Cartman enters, pushing his way through the crowd while text messaging on his cellphone. He looks like he hasn’t gotten much sleep.
CARTMAN
(as he types)
And now I’m walking into class. It sure
is crowded today.
Cartman pushes his way into the room and gets to a FIFTH GRADER in his seat.
CARTMAN
Hey, that’s my seat, dillhole!
The fifth grader backhands him with a book. Cartman backs off.
CARTMAN
(talking as he types)
I called a fifth grader a dillhole. Am I
cool or what?
Cartman sits down on the floor near Stan, Kenny and Kyle.
KYLE
Hey, fat ass.
CARTMAN
(talking as he types)
Now I am sitting down next to a Jew.
STAN
(annoyed)
What are you doing, Cartman?
CARTMAN
I am Twittering, Stan. Perhaps you would’ve
heard if you had been following me like the
other 50 people that are my followers. (types)
I just told off, Stan. He thinks he’s so cool.
(to Kyle) Kyle, I noticed you have only ten
followers. That’s pretty good, I guess. (laughs)
KYLE
Cartman, no one cares about your stupid
Twitter profile. Why do you always turn
things into a competition with me?
CARTMAN
(typing as he talks)
Kyle thinks he can compete with me. What
a tool.
KYLE
Cartman! I’m not—
STAN
Dude, leave it alone. He does this every time.
KYLE
(slyly)
I don’t know why you bother, Cartman. No
one’s using Twitter anymore…
STAN
They’re not?
CARTMAN
They’re not?
KYLE
(trying to think of something)
No, now everyone’s, uh…
KENNY
(makes a Kenny noise)
KYLE
(stifles a laugh)
Uh, yeah, everyone’s “Douching”.
CARTMAN
Don’t be an asshole, Kyle.
KYLE
No, seriously! We’re douching right now, uh,
right Stan?
STAN
(trying not to laugh)
Uh, yeah, dude. Douching is cool.
CARTMAN
(muttering)
God dammit.
Mr. Garrison enters. Cartman starts to leave.
MR. GARRISON
Okay, class, due to budget cuts until further
notice we’ll be sharing our room with the fifth
graders and— Eric, what are you doing?
CARTMAN
I’m sorry, Mr. Garrison, I have to leave.
MR. GARRISON
(annoyed)
Sit down, Eric.
CARTMAN
I can’t! I have to go! It’s important.
Mr. Garrison rushes over to Cartman.
MR. GARRISON
What’s so important, young man that you
have to leave my class?
Cartman gestures for him to come closer and Mr. Garrison bends down.
CARTMAN
(whispering)
I have to douche, Mr. Garrison. I promise
I’ll be right back just as soon as I’m douching.
ENDING: The Mayor pays more and more businesses in South Park, until everyone in town is getting money from the government. The resulting money makes the situation ten times worse because everyone has incentive to run their money into the ground. Cartman, realizing he’s been tricked, creates an online networking site called “Kyleisadouche.com” and takes over from Twitter. Without any new innovation, Cartman’s social networking site threatens to take over the Internet and annoy Kyle. Eventually, the boys convince the mayor to stop paying out all the money. Cartman’s site, which was worth millions, becomes worthless when a new social networking site created by Mr. Dickland takes over. Mr. Dickland finally gets out of the penis pump business and finds his true calling.
