If your birthday is this week: You will be chased by Dog the Bounty Hunter, but escape when his mullet gets caught in a tree.

Aries: Don’t look now, but your science experiment has escaped and stolen your car. That’s what you get for playing God, douche.

Taurus: Congrats, Taurus! You finally quit smoking today! With all the money you’re not spending on cigarettes, you can afford all the heroin you need.

Gemini: Your plan to throw a cheap barbecue backfires when one of your guests finds the squirrel pelts you should’ve thrown away.

Lemini: You still haven’t killed yourself? Man you have a tolerance for a sucky life.

Cancer: The stars say, Eddie Murphy will give you a ride. But only because he likes your dress, dude.

Leo: Finally, your business plans come together. The recycling plant takes your entire shopping cart of crushed soda cans. Don’t spend that 23 cents all in one place.

Virgo: It turns out, the hot dog people you’re seeing are not stealing your underwear. Your apartment has a gas leak.

Libra: You will vomit on a special someone this week. Congrats!

Scorpio: Your networking at the orgy is inappropriate, but it still gets you a job a dildo factory.

Sagittarius: You will gain super powered nipples after a terrible accident.

Capricorn: Good news, Capricorn! You will— Oh, wait, did I say Capricorn? Shit, you’re fucked dude.

Aquarius: A fast food sandwich meat will turn out to be an endangered species. Apparently, a bald eagle fell into the meat grinder at the McDonald’s factory.

Pisces: You will find a Monet painting at the Big Lots. It’ll look great in your trailer until the fire.