Sep26

Your Fratoscope: September 26, 2010

by tonyd on September 26, 2010 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week: Bad news, your loan shark is very punctual. But he will compliment you on finding a really tough hiding spot.

Aries: Your life will be turned into a reality show on Fox. Sadly you will be replaced by Jean-Claude Van Damme and he will be way more interesting.

Taurus: Jesus will appear to you in a grilled cheese sandwich, but while you’re waiting for the newspaper people to arrive, you’ll get hungry and eat him. It’s okay, it’s as God intended.

Gemini: The stars say, face facts. You’re going bald. The good news is, it’s not a factor in getting laid. The bad news is, no one wants to have sex with you because of your horrible personality.

Lemini: You will finally meet the girl of your dreams. Now if you can only stop dreaming about female bodybuilders.

Cancer: Your attempt at being Batman will fail miserably, when you fall through the skylight into the middle of a Mafia don’s meeting. Fortunately, he needs entertainment for his nephew’s birthday on Saturday.

Leo: You will inherit your aunt’s spooky old house. They say it’s haunted, but you can only get it if you agree to spend one night inside. You do and it’s the best night’s sleep you’ve ever gotten. You should probably keep it.

Virgo: The stars say, the answer is four, dumbass. Four. Learn to count.

Libra: Turns out, no one believes your story about your Canadian girlfriend. You’re going to have to show them the video of her going down on you. What choice do you have?

Scorpio: You will get your genitals caught in the hot tub’s intake again. Fortunately, it’s the same paramedics, so there’s no laughing this time.

Sagittarius: Jupiter’s moon is ascending, not descending, this means you’d better clean the class on the observatory telescope if you want to keep your job. Open your eyes, Einstein.

Capricorn: This week, you’ll find out baking a metal file into a cake to help your friend in prison is a bad idea. It’s even worse when you use a microwave.

Aquarius: You’re going to wear that shirt? Really? Oooookay.

Pisces: You will appear in the webcomic strip, Capes & Babes, and it will be awesome.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment
Sep24

Ask Señor Cactus

by tonyd on September 24, 2010 at 12:01 am

translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Phoneless in Philly:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My Rumba sucked up the phone cord, pulled my phone off the nightstand and broke it. What should I do?

Bob, 21, U of Penn

Dear Phoneless:

Cactus say, “What is dis? 1997?” Get yerself a cellphone, mon’! Or should I page ya first to tell ya? If dat don’t work, send the Rumba here:

Boned in Boston:

Hey Señor Cactus:

I met this guy at a party and he pressured me into sex. I want to continue to date him, but he refuses to let up on the sexual accelerator. Is there a diplomatic way to get him to stop asking me for anal sex every time we go to a movie or chat online?

Patty, 19, Harvard

Dear Cheeky Target:

Cactus say, puttin’ da fire out on college-age hormones is like buildin’ a sand castle ta stop a tidal wave. Watchu need ta do is unload dat gun so he got no more ammo. Cactus say, find out what he like sexually, den buy him dat in porn! Den all ya gots to do is remind me about da porn before ya go on a date, maybe tease him with some phone sex, den show up real late for yer date. By da time you arrive, he’ll be half asleep from yankin’ his crank!

Roommate Funk in West Virginia:

O, Great Señor Cactus:

My roommate is an okay guy, but he stinks! I mean, his B.O. is extreme. I don’t know what it is. I see him go to the showers every morning and then he’s okay for a while, but by the time he comes back to the room, especially after dinner, he smells like ass. I don’t want to gay up our room with potpourri or air freshener, but I don’t know what else to do. Please advise.

The Stevenator, 21, WVU

Dear Ass Smeller:

Cactus say, anyone called “Stevenator” pretty much gets what he deserves, but he help you anyway. Okay, da reason yer roommate smell like da inside of a garbage scow shit bucket is because he don’t eat right. He probably packin’ on da Freshman 15 again wit all dat cheese and hamburgers and crap. It would take many weeks of pressure and instruction ta get him to eat right and exercise, but fuck dat. You just want ta be able ta breathe. So get yerself a bottle of Beano, cut it up with a razor blade and den offer it to him like it’s cocaine. He snort a few lines every day before class and his ass will smell better den a bag of freshly baked cookies!

Facebook Fucked:

Dear Señor Cactus:

So I started dating this chick at the end of Freshmen year, but we agreed to “keep it light”. So we weren’t officially boyfriend/girlfriend when we left for summer break. Now I use Facebook about as often as I drink jagermeister, which is like once in a great while. So when I got back to campus, imagine my shock that this chick had been “poking me” and posting about me all through the summer. She had a whole narrative going that I did not subscribe to.

So, when we got back to campus, I made the mistake of banging her. I know, I know, but how do I turn down free and easy sex the first week back of my sophomore year. But then she went nuts on the Facebook, so I broke up with her a few days later. Now, all over campus, chicks are giving me the evil eye. Like I did something wrong? How do I get my rep back?

Signed,
Am I a Dick?, Cornell U

Dear Not a Dick:

Cactus say, you did the right thing, mon’! You were honest wit her, she was not honest witchu! As far as yer rep goes, dis chick did ya a favor! Now every girl on campus wants ta “change ya”. Da next time it comes up in conversation with a chick, Cactus say, don’t be a pussy. Own dat motherfuckin’ story! Like Obama, ya gotta spin da narrative. She hurt ya gettin’ out her spin first, but once word gets out what a freak she is, you’ll be fine. If dat don’t work, ya can always lie. Plus you can always go back and bang that freaky chick. Cactus say, a freak in a sack is worth two in a three-way!

Tony D translated this advice column before Mistah Shit was whisked to Afghanistan. He wishes all the bros safe return from the current storyline. If you have a question for Señor Cactus, email him here.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment
Sep22

Twitter in Focus: Tracy Morgan

by tonyd on September 22, 2010 at 12:01 am

Hey bros! Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die. Today we examine the tweets of the very funny, Tracey Morgan from 30 Rock. Just looking at his current list of tweets I see no retweets or links, just pure Tracey. I think this is going to be good.

October 9th, 3:43pm: “my dickhead is shaped liked a darth vadar helmet. my dick is so fat it looks like r2d2.”

Well, he doesn’t update often, but that is pretty funny.

October 8th, 4:01pm: “The wait is over! The black Svengali has arrived! I’m on the street turning good girls bad and getting them pregnant!!!”

Nice!

October 8th, 4:29pm: “Im a good parent so ill induce the labor”

These tweets must be from when the novelty was still good.

October 8th, 8:53pm: “Just got in the house. Feeling tired from working 30 Rock. Getting ready to crash. Good night my loves.”

Jeez, these are almost a year old. I wonder what turned him off twitter.

October 10th, 1pm: “World Be Free. Oh Yeah, Evil Knievel’s my biological father.”

Maybe he feels pressured to make every tweet funny and eventually it became too much.

October 10th, 5:17pm: “I want everyone to urge The Roots to remake “Soul Makossa” and I also want to urge Keyshia Coles to remake “I Just Got to be Free.””

Roots, Keyshia, do what he said.

October 10th, 6:14pm: “Fuck that. Express yourself.”

Okay, make up your mind, Svengali.

October 10th, 6:23pm: “It don’t matter who you be just be for real if you want to fuck with Tracy Morgan. Bout to do a show at Penn St. Check me out.”

Hmmm, maybe by this point he was getting nasty tweets back. Could that be what turned him off of twitter?

October 13th, 9:18pm: “siting here watching vh1 hiphop honors. that Tracy Morgan is a funny mother fucker.”

Maybe Tracy hired his assistant to tweet and he stopped doing it. He could still be collecting a paycheck. Tracey! Hey, Tracy!

October 16th, 2:23pm: “30 ROCK rocks- Stay tuned. You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

There are some pretty big guest stars this year.

October 20th, 9:08am: “Check out my story I’m THE NEW BLACK, its out today!”

So far, he’s pretty consistent with October of last year. Just waiting for the drop off.

October 20th, 10:51am: “Come holler at me tomorrow night 7pm in harlem HUE MAN BOOK STORE.”

Ahhhhhhh! Hey, I just thought of something. Did you do a voice on the Boondocks? You got a funny voice Tracy, you should totally do that show. It’s awesome.

October 21st, 9:51am: “having a cheeseburger delux and diet coke at 9am – breakfast of champions”

Nice! That sounds good!

October 21st, 9:53am: “For $15 I’ll induce your labor”

Every comic has a callback. Nice.

October 24th, 6:52pm: “At Yankee Stadium chillin with Harry Bellafonte”

Could it be that Harry Bellafonte turned you off of twitter?

November 3rd, 7:50pm: “I’m doing stand up this Friday at Carnegie Hall. Come check me out…I’m going raw dog on this one.”

Ah, ha! Damn you, Bellafonte!

November 3rd, 8:14pm: “to all my ladies come see traylay and all my dudes come see tray bags”

No idea what that means.

November 4th, 2:09pm: “Just got off the phone with puff daddy wishing him a happy birthday”

And did P. Diddy also advise you to stay away from the twitter?

November 10th, 3:39pm: “In case you didn’t know I’m hosting Scare Tactics tonight on Syfy. Check it out. And thanks all for checkin me out at Carnegie Hall.”

Scare Tactics? Hmm, that is a pretty funny show, but kind of in an unintentional way.

April 16th, 2010, 1:11pm: “I don’t know about yall but I’m going to grab me up a yaddda and do see death at a funeral this weekend and hopfuly get some ass after.”

Damn, Tracy, only one tweet in 2010? You must be getting some serious ass that occupy your time. Now that you’re a movie star, I guess there’s just no time for tweeting. Oh, well.

Let’s rate Tracy’s tweets. I give him a 1 for Mustness, looks like he’s done tweeting for now. A 8 for Insanity and a 9 for Style. That’s an over all score of 6. Might be good to follow in case he suddenly comes back. It’s not the number of the tweets, it’s the quality.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment
Sep20

Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: Jellystone PD Blue

by tonyd on September 20, 2010 at 12:01 am

This sketch I wrote back in 1997 as a parody to NYPD Blue. I think it was right around the time I was trying to pitch to SNL for the second or third time. I sort of had an “in” through a friend. I don’t know if anyone ever read it, but it’s a pretty dated sketch now. Still, I think it’s funny, as long as you’ve seen at least one of the show’s referenced. With Darrel Hammond as Yogi, Tim Meadows as Sugar Bear, Jim Brewer as Boo-Boo, Will Ferrell as Ranger Smith. Dennis Franz as a guest, of course.

Jellystone PD Blue
written by: Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1997

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT-DAY

The office is much like the set of NYPD Blue. SIPOWITZ sits at his desk in a funk, slaving over boring police reports and sipping almost inedible coffee. The LIEUTENANT comes in and throws a pile on his desk.

LIEUTENANT
Sorry about your partner.

SIPOWITZ
(annoyed)
Yeah, well, it was bound to happen. Good
lookin’ guy like him, surprised he didn’t become
porn star sooner.

LIEUTENANT
Look, you’re obviously upset, maybe this is a
bad time…

SIPOWITZ
No, no, what? What?

LIEUTENANT
(hesitant)
Your new partner’s here.

Sipowitz sighs heavily, letting the air out through his teeth. He thinks for a minute, then decides he can handle this.

SIPOWITZ
Well, he better be better than that last cream puff.
I don’t want to put up with anymore, uh, ya know?

LIEUTENANT
Yeah. Sure.

The Lieutenant gets up and exits.

LIEUTENANT
(exiting)
Okay, he’s ready for ya.

Enter that smarter-than-the-average-bear, YOGI BEAR.

YOGI
(friendly)
Hey, Sipowitz! I think its time, we go fight
some crime! Yea-hi-eee!

BRIEF OPENING MONTAGE This is the same opening montage for NYPD Blue, except its JELLYSTONE PD BLUE.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY-EVENING

Yogi and Sipowitz enter this run down tenement building. Sipowitz is chewing gum.

YOGI
Hey, Sipowitz, I haven’t seen a puss like these,
since Smokey the Bear ate that hive of bees!
Yea-hi-eee!

SIPOWITZ
Well, to be truthfully honest, I’m not exactly—
Well, impressed with your tactics. Who’s this
informant we’re supposed to meet?

Enter BOO-BOO BEAR. Boo-boo got a goatee, matted fur and a black leather vest. He looks like a cartoon heroine addict.

YOGI
(shocked)
Boo-boo! Where have you been my little forest chum?

BOO-BOO
(whining)
I need my fix, Yogi.

YOGI
You can’t get your fix until you squeal,
That ain’t no part of this bear’s deal!

BOO-BOO
(really whiney)
But they’ll kill me, Yogi.

SIPOWITZ
(interceding, threatening)
Listen, scum bag, I eat bears like you for breakfast.
Now you either make with the bust or you’re gonna
be hibernatin’ a lot longer than everybody else!

BOO-BOO
(sighing)
Okay, they’re in there. But don’t tell them I told you.

YOGI
Don’t worry, my drug-addicted, little pal. This bear,
knows how to scare those low-life drug dealers!

Yogi and Sipowitz pull their guns and burst into the room. They find MR. RANGER and the Post SUGAR BEAR running a major cocaine and heroine factory out of their seedy apartment.

SIPOWITZ
Up against the wall!

YOGI
I can’t believe it! Mr. Ranger, sir, and Sugar Bear!

MR. RANGER
(sweaty, nervous)
N-now guys, this isn’t how it looks.

SUGAR BEAR
(singing)
Can’t get enough that Golden Crisp. It’s got the crunch—

MR. RANGER
(snapping)
Shut up! (to Yogi) C’mon, Yogi, you can overlook this.
We’re old buddies, right?

SIPOWITZ
What’s he talkin’ about?

YOGI
That Mr. Ranger’s no stranger to danger!
He used to be, old Yogi’s ranger!

Mr. Ranger pulls out a picnic basket full of goodies.

MR. RANGER
Well, maybe this will change your mind.

SIPOWITZ
Put that down! Slowly.

YOGI
(nervous)
A pic-a-nic basket?

MR. RANGER
(seductively)
Yeah, that’s right. It’s full of pies and sandwiches
and other goodies. It would be a real shame to let
it go to waste.

Mr. Ranger sets the picnic basket on the floor. Yogi can’t take it anymore. He’s sweating and staring at the basket. He lowers his gun and is about to pounce on it.

SIPOWITZ
Are you crazy? It’s a trick!

Yogi lunges for the basket, Sipowitz holds him back, while Mr. Ranger and Sugar Bear begin to escape.

MR. RANGER
(running)
Grab the money!

Sugar Bear grabs the box of Golden Crisp and runs after him.
SUGAR BEAR
(a little faster)
Can’t-get-enough-that-Golden-Crisp…

SIPOWITZ
You happy now?! You let them get away!

YOGI
I’m sorry, Sipowitz. You see I’m addicted to the
basket of the picnic!

Boo-boo walks into the room and heads for the basket.

BOO-BOO
Yogi? (sees basket) Oh, lunch.

YOGI
No, Boo-boo!

SIPOWITZ
Wait!

Boo-boo opens the basket and it explodes. Yogi runs to Boo-boo and cradles his head.

YOGI
Boo-boo! Speak to me!

BOO-BOO
(dying)
It was all my fault, Yogi. I always loved you.

Yogi looks back at Sipowitz, worried.

BOO-BOO
(adding)
In the “manly bear” sense.

YOGI & SIPOWITZ
(agreeing strongly)
Oh, sure. Right.

Boo-boo dies.

YOGI
(to the heavens)
Noooooooo!!!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE SHOWERS-DAY

ANNOUNCER (V/O)
Next week on Jellystone PD Blue.

Sipowitz is standing in a towel, while Yogi is taking a shower.

SIPOWITZ
Hey, listen, I’m real sorry ’bout your bear
friend there.

Yogi turns around to wash the other side of himself. His ass is the only part of him that isn’t covered with fur.

YOGI
Don’t worry, Sipowitz. You humans play rougher,
but we bears are tougher! Pass the soap there.

SIPOWITZ
Sure.

Sipowitz goes to pass Yogi the soap and his towel falls off, revealing a big hairy (fake) ass.

SIPOWITZ
Whoops.

INT. MORGUE-DAY

BOO-BOO
(from inside a drawer, whiney)
Yogi? Yogi, it’s dark in here.

ANNOUNCER (V/O)
Next time on Jellystone PD Blue.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,