If your birthday is this week: Your handsome comedy webcomic writer boyfriend buys you cake. Life is good.

Aries: Stop living in the past, Aries. Seriously, stop screwing up history and bring the time machine back.

Taurus: The stars say, take off that Snuggie. It’s no longer ironic on you.

Gemini: Your cameo on the Billy the Exterminator takes a turn for the worst as the bats fly down your pants.

Lemini: Things are looking up. The guy you huff paint with will die and leave his supply of Rustoleum unguarded. Score.

Cancer: You’ll be tempted to take things out on a loved one today. Take time to evaluate the situation and clear your head. You’ll realize that being passive aggressive toward them is way more effective.

Virgo: Your car keys are behind the lamp. Your welcome.

Libra: Stop daydreaming about what you think you want to do and start doing it. Once you start living your dream, you can quickly realize how much you suck at it and get a real job.

Scorpio: Your handsome comedy webcomic boyfriend buys you dinner, which makes you incredibly horny.

Sagittarius: The stars say, bringing a drink to your friend’s Intervention is rude, make sure you have enough for everyone. At least one person is a heavy drinker.

Capricorn: The American Pickers come to your house and tell you everything you own is worthless shit. Sorry.

Aquarius: Hitchhiking will prove more difficult than you thought. That guy will not take you to Cancun and getting out of his trunk is not going to be easy.

Pisces: The stars say, don’t order a pizza taco before the marathon. Order one after and send it to Jared’s table.