If your birthday is this week: You will pretend to work at a local office just to get the delicious coffee in the break room. You get to read a Dilbert cartoon on the wall of a cubicle while security throws you out.
Aries: Your protest will be a failure. It turns out, no one cares if they cancel S^!% My Dad Says.
Taurus: You will be the victim of a home invasion by frat boys. You’ll know, because they don’t steal anything. They just draw a penis on your face with a Sharpie.
Gemini: The cable TV guy will arrive. He won’t be as sexy as you imagine, but you’ll have sex with him anyway.
Lemini: Your Four Square lying finally catches up to you. You are impeached as the Mayor of Starbucks.
Cancer: The stars say, go to that party. They’ll be cake.
Leo: God will appear to you and tell that you’re right to be an atheist.
Virgo: You drive thru purchase will include an extra order of fries, which is weird, because you’ll be at a Taco Bell Drive Thru.
Libra: The stars say, your horoscope will come true this week. And you thought it was all bullshit.
Scorpio: This week, you’ll spend too much money on vintage porn. The good news is, all that plastic wrapping keeps the pages from getting sticky.
Sagittarius: Your Japanese pizza delivery guy arrives two minutes late, instead of giving you a free pizza, he kills himself. Next time, just give him the coupon.
Capricorn: A valet will be too embarrassed to bring your car around. He’ll insist you walk home.
Aquarius: Live a little and don’t be afraid to pick up a hitchhiker this week.
Pisces: Okay, it’s all set. Those dumbass Aquarians will give you a ride wherever you want to go.
