If your birthday is this week: Room service during your Syrian vacation will be spotty at best, but stay inside your room.
Aries: Your spec script for Workaholics will accidentally be used as rolling paper.
Taurus: Turns out, that flooded basement won’t be your biggest problem today. It’ll be the corpse you find floating in the water.
Gemini: Pack your bags, they found the body.
Lemini: Someone finds you!
Cancer: Your fortunes change for the better. The price of that STD cream you use goes way down.
Leo: Your bros attempt to smoke all your weed, but just end up smoking your spice rack Better get some more oregano tomorrow.
Virgo: Your bacon monster won’t come to life this week, but your roommate will eat one of its legs if you’re not careful.
Libra: Do not attempt to find Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes or any other fictional British character. That thing was just for the Olympics.
Scorpio: Your trip to Wendy’s ends with sex…again. But this time do you remember to take your Baconator with you afterwards.
Sagittarius: You will get a pizza with the words “Fuck U” written in pepperoni. You might want to start tipping.
Capricorn: Superman will save you, but then say, “Watch this!” and kick your car into the sun.
Aquarius: An out of breath Santa Claus will stop by, toss you a box of toys and say, “Here. You’re done.”
Pisces: Your bagel will be delicious. Have another.
