If your birthday is this week:   You’ll finally get that gold medal you wanted.  Just get out of Michael Phelps’s apartment before he comes back.

Aries:   Your vampire buddy will tell you that it’s okay to invite him in now.  Unless you want to work nights, don’t believe him.

Taurus:  You will discover that your bookie is just a guy that works at Subway sandwiches who pretends to place your bet and keeps your money.

Gemini:  You boss gives you the day off, but only to make sure the embezzling evidence is in your desk for the Feds.

Lemini:  You’ll shave your head to show camaraderie with your friend, but it turns out he doesn’t have cancer.  He’s just a heroine addict.

Cancer:  The good news is, you’ll win your duel.  The bad news is, you’ll be arrested for murder.

Leo:  The stars say, even though you paid to be on that golf course, golf carts are not complimentary.

Virgo:  You ventriloquist dummy comes to life and sues you for sexual harassment.

Libra:  A half-man, half-shark will emerge from the surf on your beach and ask to borrow $20.

Scorpio:  See a doctor this week.  That edible underwear you ate was just regular underwear.

Sagittarius:   Your roommate will stop stealing your Russian dressing because now he’s just spitting into it.  Your move.

Capricorn:  That Frisbee you threw back in 1994 will land on your couch covered in passport stickers.

Aquarius:  Your computer will crash.  Well, technically, everything in the car crashes in the accident.  You should try to do Facebook and drive.

Pisces:  You had a meal at the greatest restaurant known to man.  This week, you’ll be happily digesting.