Dec22

Ira’s Drunken Recipes: Magic Cookie Bars

by tonyd on December 22, 2012 at 12:01 am

Ingredients: One bong, dime bag, glass baking pan, one cup condensed milk, two cups chocolate chip cookies, 1.5 cups of Graham Cracker crumbs, two sticks of butter, one cup of walnuts

Step 1: Decide to get high, break out chronic.

Step 2:  Smoke weed, become famished.

Step 3:  Go to pantry to eat chocolate chips straight from the bag, notice recipe on bag.

Step 4:  Get stick of butter, place in pan, put pan in oven.

Step 5:  Play video games.

Step 6:  Remember cookie project, check oven, realize that it’s off.

Step 7:  Put on oven, smoke weed while it heats up.

Step 8:  Mix Graham cracker crumbs with butter to create crust.

Step 9:  Eat mouthful of Graham cracker crumbs.

Step 10:  Sprinkle chocolate chips over crumbs.

Step 11:  Pour in condensed milk.

Step 12:  Place pan in oven.

Step 13:  Smoke another bowl.

Step 14:  Remember walnuts.  Say, “fuck it” and eat from bag.

Step 15:  Play video games.

Step 16:  Get awesome idea to eat chocolate chips straight from bag.

Step 17:  Notice recipe on bag.  Decide to make cookie bars.

Step 18:  Place stick of butter in pan, prepare to put in oven.

Step 19:  Discover finished cookies in oven!  Look around in amazement.

Step 20:  Eat cookies.  Call friends and explain magic cookie bars appeared in oven.

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Dec20

Rewritten Headlines: Doomsday to X Factor

by tonyd on December 20, 2012 at 12:01 am

Dumbasses Find Out NASA’s Phone Number

Evolution Made Us Fight

That Movie Orphan, Never Gonna Happen Now

Marine Really Had to Pee

Slave Labor Still Profitable

GOP a Bunch of Pussies

Jersey Shore Never Going to Stop

Somewhere a Pimp has a Gold Medal

Superman Lands in California

Scientists Probably Doesn’t Have Kids

Future D-List Celebrity Peaks

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Dec19

Twitter in Focus: Phil Lamarr

by tonyd on December 19, 2012 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is voice of Hermes on Futurama, Phil Lamarr.  No, not the character that was killed in Blazing Saddles.  That was Hedley Lamar.  Get your facts straight, bros.  He was also awesome on Mad TV and does a whole lot of over voices as well including this one.  Let’s see what he’s tweeting.

@phillamarr

December 14th:  “Thanks to Jason Reitman and Film Independent for letting me play alongside Jack Black, Seth Rogen, Rainn Wilson,… http://fb.me/QLjGW2GF”

That’s very cool.

December 15th:  “We’ll be doing a live FUTURAMA event at @SFSketchfest in Jan.! Come on up! or down… @TheJohnDiMaggio @MAURICELAMARCHE”

Ah, but will you limbo is the question, mon!

December 17th:  “Uhh… that’s okay, I’ll take the ticket http://lockerz.com/s/269812681”

Ya see, that’s why I got a ticket in L.A.  I told the meter maid I could not get the spider to stay on my windshield, but she didn’t believe me.

13 hours ago:  “Had the pleasure of meeting Michael Biehn and @jenniferblancb yesterday. If they didn’t know @bryancallen, I’d think they were perfect ”

Wow, Bryan has really bulked up since Mad TV.  Is he on the Piscopo plan?

6 hours ago:  “Who do I love more than Miss Mae Whitman (@maebirdwing)? Not you! http://say.ly/sep4NVR”

Ya know, she’s not the only person with a tumblr account, Phil.

4 hours ago:  “Did I mention I got to bust ghosts with the effervescent & worldly @rainnwilson? http://say.ly/fUv4NYs”

Neat.

Okay, let’s rate Phil’s tweets.  He’s pretty good at responding to fans, so you gotta give him that.  His Twitter seems to be repeating things for some reason.  Not sure why, but it’s definitely a flurry of activity.  I like to see that.  I give him a 7 for Style, an 8 for Insanity and a 10 for Mustness.  That’s an overall score of 8.3.  Follow Phil.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

 

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Dec17

Ten Things I’d Wish the News Would Never Cover

by tonyd on December 17, 2012 at 12:01 am

1.  Murder Rampages  (Beyond telling me to avoid a certain area, why glorify the guy that went nuts?)

2.  Funerals/Memorial Services  (This is not news.  This is supposed to be a private event for family and friends.)

3.  Trials in progress (As much as I was glued to the set for the O.J. trial, looking back I think it was not a good thing.  Too much chance of the jury being influenced.)

4.  Politicians taking a tour of disaster areas  (The only reason I think politicians do this is because the news will cover it and make them look good.  This can only slow down rescue/clean up as resources are required for security.)

5.  What’s on TV  (Not sure when this started, but it’s like inserting an extra commercial in my news.)

6.  The personal lives of celebrities  (I really just don’t care.  Anyone that does probably isn’t very interested in actual news and there are million other shows for that.)

7.  Politicians expressing sorrow for a national tragedy (For the same reasons as #4.  Politicians barely work as it is, let’s not eat up their day demanding a statement on something they had absolutely nothing to do with.  Tragedies are tragic and they’re not going to say anything different than any other human being would say.  Unless they are directly involved, why put these people on the spot?)

8.  Are teens doing bad things?  (The answer is yes.  We were all teenagers.  We all did stupid shit in an attempt to get laid.  Nothing had changed.  Stop glorifying it by putting it on TV.)

9.  Is X dangerous to you and your family?  (The answer is no.  If X was dangerous, the story would be “Look out!  X is going to kill you!”.  The fact that it’s a question that the news people are pretending to “explore” tells you it’s just the latest fear-mongering trend.)

10.  Speculation (Stop bringing in “experts” to speculate what might have happened to “X” or “Y”.  If there’s no information, there’s not fucking news!)

 

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