Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:   You will discover that your roommate can easily mistake fireworks for candles when assembling a birthday cake.

Aries:  The stars say, that old jar of Tzatziki sauce has been in your fridge so long it’s now officially Tzatziki wine.

Taurus:  You will be fondled by a meter maid and she will still ticket you.

Gemini:  The birds that live near your house raise enough money so you can build a curtain over your skylight in the bathroom.

Lemini:  Making appetizers from some old weeds in your garden turns out to be economical, but not very tasty.

Cancer:  Your date will not be happy that you attempted to have sex with her.  Next time, wait until you leave the restaurant.

Leo:  You will not rate the next movie you see very highly, mostly because it’s a hygiene film they show all the prisoners when they are assigned a cell.

Virgo:  Your dog will learn how to text you, but only by speaking in obscenities.

Libra:  This week, the stripper at the bar you frequent will hand you back your two dollars and ask you to leave.

Scorpio:  Your contraception will fail this week, but then again, willpower isn’t much of a contraception.

Sagittarius:  Your car will be towed to a better neighborhood.

Capricorn:  A C.H.U.D. sewer monster will offer you a pamphlet on why you should be eating more fiber.

Aquarius:  Bill O’Reilly will scream at you while you stand in line at an ice cream truck.  He apparently hates the liberal flavors.

Pisces:  Sit back and relax, your investments will finally mature and those Pokemon cards will sell.