If your birthday is this week: It’ll be the 49ers by a field goal. Happy birthday.
Aries: You will prank all your friends with the hottest wings you’ve ever cooked and your friends will prank you by shitting all over your bathroom.
Taurus: The stars say, take off that Kansas City jersey and stop embarrassing yourself.
Gemini: You’ll discover that your TV is too small to host a Super Bowl Party and not everyone can fit inside the back seat of your SUV to watch.
Lemini: You will test the limits of how much blue cheese one person can drink.
Cancer: You will discover that the disgusting sandwich your buddy made for you at his Super Bowl party, fits neatly inside a desk drawer somewhere in his house.
Leo: Your touch football game during the Super Bowl Halftime show leads to an awkward boner.
Virgo: You will get caught double dipping in the salsa. Nice going asshole.
Libra: The Super Bowl tickets you purchased may have been fake. At least that’s what the people at the Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia tell you.
Scorpio: You will make sweet love in the coat room during a Super Bowl Party, but it will be ruled a party foul because there’s no one there but you and the jackets.
Sagittarius: Your drunken antics mocking the Ravens will amuse everyone until you knock the flat screen over.
Capricorn: Your girlfriend’s Super Bowl Halftime show greatly upsets you, but you friends will argue that her nudity puts it head and shoulder above Beyonce.
Aquarius: You will discover that your nacho couch cannot support the full weight of a human being.
Pisces: Your utter lack of interest in football means you will spend most of the day trying to go to the bank and post office.
