If your birthday is this week: Bill Clinton will come to your birthday party and it will be awesome. Just don’t leave him alone with your mom in the laundry room.
Aries: The stars say, stop crying. Game of Thrones is just a show.
Taurus: Someone will steal your bike and replace it with an exact duplicate, so you never realize.
Gemini: Clean out your car. It’s disgusting.
Lemini: The next person that borrows a pen from you, will attempt to stab you with it so, heads up.
Cancer: A three-toed sloth will break into your apartment and eat all your pudding. He’ll leave a note vowing to pay you back someday, but he won’t. He’s addicted to meth.
Leo: No one will believe your excuses for why you’re literally spying on everyone in America.
Virgo: This week, you’ll finally vow to stop breaking wind every time someone in the office says, “I think there’s a storm coming.”
Libra: Your ventriloquist dummy will come to life and demand health insurance.
Scorpio: You’ll have sex with the guy that checks your electric meter, which will be awkward, because the mailman you had sex with last week will walk in on you.
Sagittarius: While delivering the mail, you’ll get a surprise.
Capricorn: The prize in your box of Crackerjacks will be an uninspired 27 cents.
Aquarius: You will get some great LSD from your driving instructor right before the final test.
Pisces: You’ll go to three birthday parties, eat too much cake and update your websites two hours late.
