If your birthday is this week: You will be showered by gifts from your wonderful husband or showered, either one.
Aries: Prepare yourself for an island getaway because you don’t have a choice and Guantanamo is technically on an island.
Taurus: The stars say, time traveling to read your horoscope in the future defeats the point.
Gemini: You will be offered free scones from this guy.
Lemini: You find out that your travel agent isn’t trying to kill you, she just likes the Ferris Wheel in Liberia.
Cancer: Your fly is down.
Leo: You’re too early for ice skating and it takes you five minutes to swim back to shore in skates and winter clothes.
Virgo: Your mailman will bring you all that awesome stuff you ordered from Amazon…for a price.
Libra: Captain America’s shield will crash through your window and you’ll here him yell, “Lil’ help!”
Scorpio: This week, you’ll meet a talking bear and he’ll tell you that you really need to class up your wardrobe.
Sagittarius: Stop playing Clash of Clans, you have shit to do.
Capricorn: Your neighbors get together and tear down your Christmas decoration. Then they brand you on the ass with the words, “Too Early!”
Aquarius: Your exterminator insists on holding funerals for each bug he kills.
Pisces: You will be exhausted from preparing for your wife’s birthday week, which lasts two and a half months.
