If your birthday is this week: Frosty the Snowman wishes you a happy birthday, but then you realize that’s what he says to everyone when he puts on that hat.
Aries: You’ll realize that “elf” that keeps borrowing money, is just a short meth addict that dresses in green.
Taurus: This week, you’ll realize your gutters are choked with reindeer poop.
Gemini: You’ll be solicited by a hoarse elf telemarketer who’d like you to donate to a fund that’s attempting to wipe out tinsel lung.
Lemini: Some guy named Krampus will come to your door because he has to alert everyone when he moves into a neighborhood.
Cancer: Some lord, who was leaping, twists his ankle on your doorstep and attempts to sue you.
Leo: Santa will wake you up in the middle of the night and beg you to let him use your toilet.
Virgo: The gangs in your neighborhood go caroling and then demand Cristal instead of hot cocoa.
Libra: You’ll keep unwrapping and unwrapping one of you gifts, until you realize that the gift was wrapping paper.
Scorpio: You’ll discover that just because someone’s under the mistletoe doesn’t mean they expect a blowjob, but they’re happy to accept it anyway.
Sagittarius: Your home security camera catches Santa taking a pee onto the hood of your car from the roof.
Capricorn: You’ll find an Amazon drone eating the cookies you left out of Santa.
Aquarius: Santa manages to stuff your stockings despite the fact you went to sleep wearing them. Creepy.
Pisces: Santa leaves you a note saying that you’ve been good, but the pornstar he kept trying to bring kept jumping out of the bag.
