I’m stuck on a deadline, so here’s Ten Things I Expect From President Oprah.

  1.  Dr. Oz to become Surgeon General.
  2.  Dr. Phil gets even more preachy if you can believe it.
  3.  Oprah runs around the Congress with a microphone taking questions.
  4.  Every State of the Union to feature at least three celebrity guests.
  5.  Tom Cruise gets to go to the White House and jump on the couch every time he finds a new girlfriend.
  6.  You get some healthcare!  And you get some healthcare!  And you!  And you!
  7.  Phil Donahue writes all the policy, but she takes credit.
  8.  Steadman recognized as First “Guy-She-Hangs-Out-With”.
  9.  O Magazine mandatory reading at every public school.
  10.  You get higher taxes!  And you get higher taxes!  And you!  And you!