If your birthday is this week: You conclude that you didn’t get a surprise birthday party because the Russian interfered.
Aries: The ghost of Rick James will ask you to play those episodes of the Chappelle Show in your DVR.
Taurus: You’ll become the first person ever to break up on a speed date.
Gemini: Your masseuse accidentally gives you a depressing ending.
Lemini: The doctor tells you that your weekly bypass surgery may be an indication that you’re not very healthy.
Cancer: YouTube tells you that if your videos don’t start getting better, they’re going to give you negative hits and force you to watch other videos.
Leo: Guy Fieri comes to your kitchen because your food is greasy enough to be in an episode of Diners, Dives and Drive-Thrus.
Virgo: The squirrels in your yard leave you an intimidating note about getting gluten free snacks in the bird feeder.
Libra: You will start a home for former evil clowns.
Scorpio: Your Scrabble game ends up like it always does, with you giving all the other players a handjob.
Sagittarius: You may have to clean your fridge, since all the flies buzzing around it are finally dead.
Capricorn: Your old guidance counselor confronts you in the supermarket and demands to know why you’re not an astronaut.
Aquarius: Your old kung-fu master will return to teach you his final move, how to ask a waitress out without looking like a creep.
Pisces: You’ll feast upon your enemies entrails, which is good, because most of your enemies are Peeps.
